Why it Sucks to be a Neurodivergent Empath

Why am I writing this...? Well, if I had to state a Thesis up front, I guess it would be that we all really ought to loosen up a bit on the Internet. Let me explain...

My brain doesn't work quite like the majority of the population. It's thrown teachers, counselors, psychiatrists, my parents, and even my friends off my entire life. I know the cool thing to say anymore is "there's really no such thing as normal", and while that seems true and well-intentioned in a general sense, it... actually doesn't represent reality. It also doesn't make things better for those of us that have very much been part of the odd-one-out crowd their entire life. I mean, it does make a valid point -- that the notion of "normal" can lead to somewhat harmful exclusionary behaviors -- but it doesn't really change the fact that this isn't really a choice or moral decision some of us make. It can't be fixed by "normalizing abnormal" in society.

To further show what I mean, I'm going to quote a meme that was posted by an old High School friend of mine who has child diagnosed with Autism... and that knowing them personally, has mild symptoms, themselves:

Autistic me: "Oh, that reminds me of something similar that happened to me."

Hoping this leads to: A fun moment of connection over shared experiences.

What the other person hears/interprets: That I'm making it about me rather than listening to them.

*Sighs...* Yeah, that kind of hit the nail on the head. That's definitely a thing. And I hate it.

Look... I'm a very much well-meaning and generally helpful sort of person. Maybe to a fault, sometimes. What does this have to do with anything? Apply the above scenario to me when someone posts something about a difficulty in their life, or a frustration about something. I see these as opportunities to make a (hopefully) positive contribution to that person's day... in fact, it can be difficult for me to simply stand by and let it pass, particularly if I've had or overcome some sort of similar experience that could potentially help with seeing the bigger picture in a more helpful/positive way. So that second part effectively becomes: "A moment of empathetic connection over shared experiences"... and I'm usually trying to do this by way of two things -- trying to let you know you're not alone, and citing a time where perhaps I might have felt a similar way to let you know I'm not simply making some empty made-up statement of support (backing with evidence, let's say).

You see, here's the problem with that -- Some people just want to vent. They don't want someone else's empathy; they just want someone to listen. People like me? Yeah, we're listening... but we're awful at simply just doing that and nothing else. We see someone who could really use a hug, even if only figuratively speaking...

...and then it just comes off as a very robotic and awkward hug at best... or hijacking the conversation and making it about us at worst.

In reality, that could not be further from the truth. But... I know I've done this to people, and I'm sorry if it came off wrong or led to some form of unintentional distress. I cannot influence how anyone chooses to interpret my actions. But because they're... different, the probability that they're misinterpreted remains much higher than average.

I've lost friends, accidentally burned bridges, and pretty sure I even blew up my very first romantic relationship because of this exact sort of thing. My brain analyzes and wants to apply logic and effective, efficient solutions to everything -- including emotionally-laden things like empathy -- and it freakin' sucks! Sometimes, all I want to do is help someone feel a little better... and I somehow end up accidentally making it worse.

There are a LOT of people here who claim to be neurodivergent in some way or another... and I'm not going to cast any doubt on that; I may very well be preaching to the choir here. But... for that very reason, we may want to be a little more patient with each other, and when necessary, more blunt/blatant about our needs and intent.

On that note, my comment section remains open. Maybe a little vent-y, but by no means a hands-off discussion. Have you been on either side of this conundrum? Do you maybe have a different take on this? Rather than lament this phenomenon, I'd honestly rather we... *checks notes* have "A fun moment of connection over shared experiences" instead.

--PRD/SentientAberration

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