CONTENT WARNINGS:

MISSION 205 CONTAINS unreality, nonphysical parental abuse, negative self-thoughts, emotional trauma, references to torture, major character death, and romantic obsession that is framed non-critically.

A FOREWORD:

Mission 205 is presented as a series of 'mission logs' written in-character. If you struggle with unreality or there are other factors at play which would make this a difficult reading experience for you, I would not advise reading this work.

Additionally, the in-universe author of said mission logs is in a very bad mental state for much of them. The narrator is somewhat unreliable, quite a few entries are written with repeating, jumbled words and phrases, and the author occasionally has incredibly, viscerally negative self-thoughts. I cannot judge the impacts of this work as I have written it, but it may be an intense reading experience for some. If you find yourself negatively impacted by any of these aspects, I would not advise reading this work.

This work was written for and initially published on ToyHouse; it is probably a better reading experience to read it on there as ToyHouse permits literatures to be divided into different chapters. During the time of its publication, one chapter ("log") was uploaded once a day for 100 days straight to best mimic the circumstances under which this work was fictionally 'written'.

Because users on here are far less likely to be familiar with my superhero universe, I've left links to character profiles whenever the author refers to someone, if you'd like to look into them. If there's no link, just assume they haven't been designed yet lol. Also, to try to emulate the experience of paging through chapters I have devised the shoddy and slapdash methodology of using spoilers. I am so sorry, I don't like it either.

Without further ado, I bring you...

MISSION 205

Mission 205, Day 1, 12/14/21.

It’s so cold in here. Or maybe I’m just cold. I haven’t slept in this room in…so long. Haven’t slept alone, either.

It’s okay, though, because we’ll figure this out. I mean, sure, it looks pretty rough, but we’ve always made it through. That’s why we win. We don’t give up on each other.

I thought maybe I could write a mission log for you while ~~you’re~~ I’m gone. Like that one time, last year, when I was sleeping and you were stuck in that old cave system — do you remember? You had nothing but my notebook and you maybe went a little mad down there but it’s alright because I woke up and I came to get you and then we could laugh about it together.

I don’t deserve healing for how I messed up today. I thought about putting bandages on it, even, but I don’t think I deserve that kindness either.

Hurts, though. And I’m cold. Miss you.

Mission 205, Day 2, 12/15/21.

Every time that ~~woman~~ monster lays a hand on me I want to rip her arm off. I can’t believe she thinks this can just go right back to how it used to be. Like I’m her pawn again. She thinks she can… do something like that and expect me to roll over like a good boy? I’m not a dog, I’m not her pet, I’m not her plaything, I’m not her tool or toy and I’m NOT her fucking son.

I’m so angry. I can feel my arms shaking with it. She’s smiling at me, that vicious, camera-winning monster smile like she didn’t hurt you like she didn’t do what she did. When I get home I’m probably going to be unpleasant for a good bit, but it’ll be fine because I’ll be home and I’ll be with you, right? And we’ll laugh about this.

But I really hope you’re okay, please. Please. I hope that all of my hurt means you’re healing, somehow.

Mission 205, Day 3, 12/16/21.

This is taking longer than I thought it would and each day is more unbearable than the last. Unlike when I was little, she’s seeming to delight in making me do stunts that are as public as possible. Trying to ruin my reputation, I gather, but I don’t think she understands that I could not care less about what the mainland thinks of me. Council did add me to one of their watchlists, though, so I guess that’s funny. Hopefully it won’t be too much of a nightmare to clean up afterwards.

It’s not unbearable because of the ‘work’, though, I’m just… I really miss… home.

I can’t seem to think properly by myself anymore, isn’t that funny? We probably should have practiced something like this – separation – in case something, well, like this happened; but I guess it’s too late now. The words don’t even make sense. I’m trying to scrape something together but I keep waiting for a suggestion that isn’t coming. I look over my shoulder and you’re not there and then it hurts all over again.

I know there has to be a loophole in here somewhere and I promise I won’t give up until I find it.

Mission 205, Day 4, 12/17/21.

There was a huge storm today. I was staring at it through the windows and when a big crack of lightning hit the ground there were tears in my eyes. What is wrong with me?

It’s not even anything like the storms at home. I can’t taste the salt on the wind and the winds themselves are rather pathetic and also you’re not there, warm, pressed against my side and grinning at every clap of thunder.

I’m not feeling well. I didn’t get anything done. Shocker.

Mission 205, Day 5, 12/18/21.

Day five. No progress, no loopholes. Coffee was blander than usual. I think she fired one of the baristas.

I’m so sick of this.

Mission 205, Day 6, 12/19/21.

Do you remember the cave? I know it wasn’t very pleasant for you but you tried to keep a brave face while we were reading back the mission notes and I could tell the whole thing had scared you more than you were letting on but —

Anyways, there was a moment in there that I keep coming back to. I don’t remember the words exactly but it was maybe a day or two in and you were talking about this brief smatter of rainshower that swept through, just sprinkles through a distant hole in the roof, but it scared you so much you started writing something like a will.

I remember when you talked about it with me later, you said that you honestly could have handled an outright downpour better. Because a downpour is reasonable, understandable danger and if it took you out (which, by the way, it wouldn’t have because I would have come for you, I would have) at least you could have gone down fighting. But all a sprinkle of rain was was a threat. The sort of rain you imagined it blossoming into was so much worse than it could ever have been, and yet such a little harmless thing haunted your mind with the blistering burn of agony until you escaped.

I’ve been thinking about it and I think I’m at my ‘rain’ moment, now. She’s been planning something; keeps looking over at me with that awful nauseating smile, and, I. —Az, she’s such a sadist.

I hope I’m making typhoons out of raindrops here but there’s this feeling sinking its claws into my heart.

Miss you. Hope you’re doing okay.

Mission 205, Day 7, 12/20/21.

I feel sick. I can’t stop why won’t my arms stop shaking I can’t even how could she do this

Mission 205, Day 8, 12/21/21.

Fifteen minutes a week. She edited the terms. Fifteen. How can you even define a job like this what even qualifies I don’t even want to think about it anymore I can’t stop staring at it. Fifteen minutes a week if you’re performing heroics. That could mean anything. Anywhere! Not even at home!

She made me write the words and I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry I’m a monster really I’m just as bad how could I do this to you

It’s so vague it’s so vague she made me use those words I swear on my life please she made me I told her how vague it was and she didn’t care at all she smiled she laughed I hate her I hate her so much and

And I’m sorry I can’t look my stupid unforgivable ugly ugly face in the mirror any more I see my eyes and I want to rip them out of their sockets I hate I hate hate so much because

How could I even ruin this this is all my fault three years and I screw it up like this you’re the best thing I’ve ever had my only good thing and I repay you by what? Doing this to you I can’t even

I can’t even write any more I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’ll say it hundreds of thousands of times over and pray to anyone who is listening that wherever you are you’ll hear it

Mission 205, Day 9, 12/22/21.

I haven’t been sleeping. I can’t stop thinking about it. What does she mean by punishment?

She didn’t torture people when I was a kid but it’s been years and also I didn’t really look ~~that hard~~ at all. Just the thought of it, of her daring to tö̴̝͎́ú̵̧͈̟̙̹̼̺͖̘͎͈̳̀ç̸̗̙̖̤̥̥̘̅̾͊̄̃̕̕͝ḧ̸̢̞̖̭̯́̆̄̐̇̆͠

Broke a pen. Had to get a new one. I should go to bed.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Mission 205, Day 10, 12/23/21.

… This is going to be forever, isn’t it? I… I keep thinking hoping wishing this is a dream but its not and I really am here.

I’m not just going to wake up and make breakfast and we won’t make up some new mission to go on and there’s no sale at Rosie’s and no shells on the beach and no kids who need babysitting and no stray cats to give ridiculous names no tourists to mock no videos no laughter no you no nothing.

I’ve spent most of my day in bed. Some guy came over to check on me and I told him to fuck off.

I don’t need anyone’s pity I just want you

Mission 205, Day 11, 12/24/21.

This guy will not leave me alone!! All I want is to be miserable for a while, is that really so hard to ask?! I don’t care that he feels sorry for me!!

He’s obscenely curious about me, won’t stop asking me where I’m from and how old am I (not in that way; he’s like forty and has a kid) and whathaveyou. He’s been treating me like I’m some feral animal in need of a vet checkup.

All ‘ooh that cut on your face looks infected’ as if I don’t deserve it for being an idiot.

And Az he will not shut up about his daughter!

I get the vision I really do but getting compared to a nine year old is not the compliment he thinks it is. Wish you were here so I could rag on him and you’d go uh-huh and then say something sensible but with your shoulder brushing mine so I’d actually listen.

… I should go to bed. Goodnight. I hope you’re… I hope you sleep well too.

Mission 205, Day 12, 12/25/21.

It’s the holidays. People are celebrating. I got a gift for you but it’s back home and you’re not and all I have right now are photos anyways

Mission 205, Day 13, 12/26/21.

Met the daughter. She’s fine. Bit morbid. You’ve always been better with kids than I have; I’m an only child and you — well, watching you try to remember all of your siblings’ names is always extremely funny.

Actually I didn’t get the chance to tell you this, but… when… two weeks ago? I guess… I’m so… no, I’m not spiraling again, I’m not, I just — how can two weeks feel like a lifetime ago and yet nothing at all? I’ve started to wake up in the bedroom (not mine, not mine, only one thing belongs to me) without being disoriented and I hate it it makes me want to claw my skin off an

Took a breather. Came back to this.

Two weeks ago some of the women were talking in Rosie’s (figured they just didn’t see me or something) about you, actually (my favorite topic) and they were saying how you were a great excellent babysitter if you were in a pinch but that you should be a last resort since any children you watch will always come back with a distinct, persistent desire to acquire and use any number of medieval weapons. Sword, spear, axe, mace etc.

I don’t know why I needed to recount that but I thought it was very funny at the time. Oh, oh—

… and immediately afterwards they started talking about me and apparently if you weren’t involved ‘[I] should never be trusted to watch children, ever’!

Which I’ll admit offended me a little bit but they’re right that I’m only good at things when you’re there like 85% of the time. I mean, they didn’t say that you know, I just — that’s what I think, is all.

Wow we can just skip this day when we read this back together (which we will do). Maybe I’ll make a note of it somewhere. This is rambly and largely embarrassing.

Mission 205, Day 14, 12/27/21.

Two weeks.

Yep.

Two… weeks.

For some unknown reason, presumably because I have sinned somehow (though I’d like to think it’s more specific than my general lifetime of poor decisions) the company has heretofore seemingly collectively decided that I am able to be spoken to. Their evidence for this decision is likely that I did not maul the small child for speaking with me, and I did not maul her father for doing the same — though, make no mistake, I was quite rude — and thus I am someone who may be casually conversed with, instead of held at an arm’s length.

I do not like this, I must emphasize! That new hotshot engineer has seemingly decided that I now exist for him to boss around (and by the way, he is being paid far too much for those mediocre robots; I even said as much to her) eg: “Oh, can you make this run faster?” “Can you make it derive energy from this?” Etcetera.

And the worst part is I think I have to listen to him, I really do! I’m being treated like some sort of physics-breaking vending machine and I mean I knew I was here as a tool, trust me I knew this very well, but the sheer level of disrespect is ridiculous! Like — just figure it out yourself! That’s your job!

But nooo, errand boy it is. Sigh.

Nothing about it is collaborative either. He’s not interested in telling me what he needs any of this for and is actively hostile when I ask! He’s an awful, terrible, awful person to work together with, really; he never smiles and he’s not funny and physically he’s pathetic and he tells me to shut up when I start talking about fashion and he’s always serious and he doesn’t wake me up when I fall asleep and there isn’t a singular spark of life in his eyes. He’s not like you. No one is like you.

Mission 205, Day 15, 12/28/21.

When I was younger I used to really like the swanky rich-people soirees we’d started getting invited to but there’s one in two days for the new year or whatever and she said I need to show up even though I think I’d rather lock myself in a room with that mechanic who hates me for the entirety of the next year, no exaggeration. Apparently she’s been telling everyone that I’ve been at boarding school the whole time, which is eminently fact-checkable and also entirely unbelievable. I’m expected to uphold this lie but I’m thinking about screwing around with it. Only complying to the ‘letter of the law’ as it were (which is to follow something in word but not in spirit – I know, I know you hate it when I explain things like this but it’s making me feel a bit better so I hope you can (hypothetically) take that into consideration).

Maybe I’m just admitting more and more embarrassing things in here because I’m hoping some sort of karma will strike and you’ll read it, ergo you’ll read it, which means you’ll have to be able to read it which means you’d have to get it from somewhere and I am the only somewhere that’s reasonable, right? … None of those words make sense.

Anyways, I have an outfit for the party thing picked out. I was thinking about spiteful sorts of things to ‘comply’ by doing but I just couldn’t stomach the idea of showing up in some trainwreck of an outfit, even for the principle of the thing. I know you’d rib me about that until the end of time but I think you’d like the tailcoat on this one, it’s… swishy, I guess?

The metrics by which you judge outfits are always very amusing. Remember the ‘best swimsuit you’d ever seen in your life’? I looked over all excited and it was some tourist lady in a bikini that somehow had like 10+ separate straps with clanky metal decorative… things on them, and you said that you liked it because of the noise and because it was a ‘very unique metal’.

…

Why was my immediate reaction to ‘intense feelings of loss’ to sweep everything off my desk? My mind is truly a mystery. So is “putting this lamp back together” and “holding a phone flashlight while writing in a journal” btw.

…

Goodnight. I hope you’re okay.

Mission 205, Day 16, 12/29/21.

You’re the devil on my shoulder right now, do you know that? Every time I have an idea now I just think of what you would say to it but what head-you says is always – well. You know. Um. Okay, I can’t think of any words better than “malicious” and “like a cat playing with a canary” but I need you to understand that I mean those with the utmost love and affection.

I think you’ll like the scheme I came up with, though.

She’s monitoring what I say with the time honored strategy of a speaking log – sort of like the enchanting log we ~~had~~ have at home? – but it doesn’t track the actual words I’m saying, just whether or not I’m doing a select few things eg not upholding the boarding school lie, trash-talking the company, etcetera. So I figured – well, head-you figured, but head-you is me unless… no, I’m not following that train of thought because she also has an enchanting log up… unless it was someone else’s magic… okay, end of this train of thought, I’ll think about it later: ANYWAYS, the thought was that I could talk about my boarding-school days with everyone, right, but just… tell everyone a different story.

I’ve been looking up prestigious boarding schools around and as long as I don’t say anything too egregious I don’t think she’ll notice until the rumors have spiraled massively out of control, right, and then she’ll have to make some sort of statement but that statement will be fact-checkable especially by people who are involved on school boards or whose children go to the hypothetical school she’d claim I went to etcetera! Genius!

… This does, however, presume that people care about whether or not a multi-millionaire CEO’s ‘son’ is lying about his boarding school credentials which may be a bit of a leap in logic, here. I dunno. I guess we’ll see? Nonzero chance this is a disaster but I’m sure you will, at least, have fun reading about it.

Mission 205, Day 17, 12/30/21.

First One, no one here has any fashion sense! Seriously! It's godawful, honestly... I've neglected to keep my 'pretty things' stores in the same condition as back home considering all of the ~~wallowing I've been doing~~ shakeups in my life recently, and I was going around attempting to flatter some out of people and their taste... it's... so bad. I'm at the point where I'm considering burning some of my precious energy stores just to make myself something to wear, like that's how rough it all is around here.

~~I'm really sorry but I~~

~~I hope you don't mind that I~~

I found one of your necklaces in my stuff and I'm considering wearing it. I don't know. It feels a bit evil, but... I don't know. I don't think you would mind, right? ~~I think I need something to anchor me~~ And also it's not like I have anything better to accessorize with anyways, plus ~~you'd only ever wear this on special occasions~~ you didn't really like this necklace that much, did you?

I should start writing these in pencil...

Mission 205, Day 18, 12/31/21.

I should’ve written this before the party. I really, really should have. That was a hot mess and a half.

I’m way too tired to recount this tonight I’m sorry if you happen to miraculously come to rescue me before tomorrow (hopeful bargaining with the cruel and uncaring whims of fate) I’ll tell you in person, promise.

… Scrubbing your skin really hard with makeup remover wipes can’t give you chemical burn, right?

I miss you I miss you I’m sorry I’m so sorry I am

It’s like I can’t remember your touch

Mission 205, Day 19, 1/1/22.

Ughhh I feel like I got hit by a truck.

Or like a a um I don’t even know my words are not wording right now

Okay. So.

Party, right? Yes.

I was at the party with everyone, miserable as per usual, but I think I was giving off such a depressing aura that people were keeping their distance or maybe I didn’t look rich enough even though I did, I assure you, look very handsome and well-dressed, which no one appreciated. Honestly though? I can’t believe I’m saying this but I just did not care. In retrospect I kind of wish no one had noticed me at all.

So I’m standing in the corner vaguely glittering (I will admit to swindling some very sparkly eyeshadow. Forgive me my sins) when this girl comes up. Right off the bat her voice was just, uh, irritating? Politest way I can put it. You know how your voice is sort of high pitched but it’s got this clear sharpness to it? This girl’s voice was like just as high pitched but almost staticy and I don’t know; she had perfect porcelain unscarred skin and these skinny twig arms and it was so offputting. Like someone dunked a pipe cleaner stick figure in a bucket of white paint or something. Her dress was okay though.

She comes up to me and starts Az I do not even want to write this but she starts, well, hitting on me is the best way I can describe it – it was very subtle but the hairs on the back of my neck were pricking up and she was batting her eyes at me and I feel revolted even having to write this it my skin was crawling and please understand it wasn’t because she was ugly or anything I don’t have much of an opinion on how she looked aside from what I mentioned above it’s just that everything felt so viscerally, jaggedly wrong; like the music was out of pitch and the lights were dancing and everything was pressing in on me and then

And then she

I can write this I can I can I can

And then she had the sheer unbridled audacity to put her fingers on my face and she said, “Wow, where’d you get this scar” and I I just I

I don’t remember what I said, really, but it was more than a little unkind – I know I slapped her hand away far more than a little unkindly and then like the coward I was I ran away and I didn’t come back to the party that night I just went to my bathroom and I washed my face with every soap I owned and then twice over again and then when I was drying off with the towel and then with makeup wipes and my cheek is still stinging and I can still feel the ghost of her fingers and it repulses me I’m disgusting and a betraying backstabbing no good evil evil evil piece of absolute subhuman garbage

I remember crying on the floor of the bathroom for a while and then when I stood up and stared at myself in the mirror she was right. It’s scarred over.

Mission 205, Day 20, 1/2/22.

Can this just be over already Can I just be over already I feel… I feel….

Hollow it’s like its ripping and tearing and clawing me open every good memory I’ve ever had drowned in the drain under that woman’s feet like she’s holding the lit match of your soul right next to the faucet but mine’s already floating in the dish suds

Mission 205, Day 21, 1/3/22.

That kid left a flower in front of my door. I didn’t know who’d left it there til Isaiah dropped by and told me in this conspiratorial sort of whisper while the kid was toying around with something that woman had told her to do. Apparently she turned ten a couple days ago, and I feel sort of bad because I hadn’t known and didn’t wish her a happy birthday. I mean, I’d had other things going on, but we always made make sure to put all the island kids’ birthdays on the calendar and swing by to wish them well back home and I feel like I’m doing wrong by them (and by you) to not be upholding that even here and even now.

I don’t know. But the reason why that’s mildly relevant is that for her birthday her father (Isaiah btw did I ever tell you that?) got her this book about flower language in the Victorian era (weird family, that one) and she’s been giving everyone she’s vaguely acquainted with ‘secret messages’ that the ‘spirits tell her they need to hear’. I asked him how her recent doctor’s appointments went and he said they haven’t gone in a while cause the company yadda yadda and I very politely redirected the conversation but just between you and me: that child needs a psychiatrist of some kind. Desperately.

Well the flower which I thought was a daisy is apparently ~~chamnom~~ ~~chamomille~~ chamomile, which I thought was a type of tea but is apparently a plant. The kid let me look at her flower book, snickering because she still thought I didn’t know it was her (she has this crazy backstory she’s been telling people about ‘ghosts’ leaving flowers all over the place but my real questions mainly involve just how and where these ‘ghosts’ are obtaining such specific flowers) and apparently the, uh, ‘spirits’ think I need ‘energy during adversity’ and ‘healing’.

Doesn’t everyone?

Mission 205, Day 22, 1/4/22.

Well, it happened. She made me fight a superhero.

I should have expected this but it didn’t make it any less painful to do. I didn’t lose (get knocked out or lose the product) but I didn’t win (I don’t know how far I would have been forced to go, if I’m being perfectly honest with you) either, and I got chewed out pretty harshly after the fact but all I could think about was the look on that hero’s face. It was that newer one I was fighting, the… ice one? In whatever city I really don’t care one way or the other; it was the way she was looking at me… like I was dirt under her shoe, or just a problem to be solved, and I was the one messing everything up and being cruel and I was disturbing the peace and, Az, they were cheering for her! And I feel so sick and I just want to be home but when I was going back there was this kid and he

Well I smiled at him you know me memory of a goldfish and he flinched, he was scared of me and he ran away and I had this horrific sickening realization that I was dangerous and I don’t know

I feel a little pathetic for whining about this because one kid running away from me is nothing compared to what you dealt with. It’s so ironic, isn’t it? That I spent so long helping you heal from years of being told you were nothing but a monster only to become some sort of sickening creature myself.

I think the difference here is I deserve it, right?

Mission 205, Day 23, 1/5/22.

I had the worst nightmare of my life last night.

I was in a city. I don’t really know what I was doing but it was probably something bad. I just knew I’d been doing it for years because I passed some glass and I saw my eyes and they were so empty.

But then there was this light and then—! And then you were there and I was so happy I was crying and I ran to you but you snarled at me and you said you were there to put me behind bars where I belonged and that you hated me and I’d betrayed you and and

And then I woke up and I stared at the ceiling for a few hours.

I mean, you wouldn’t, right? I know he was really mad at me but you weren’t, you knew, you were there, you’re–

You’re in this with me, we’re a team, we’re both going through this together even though we’re apart. Maybe I’m forgetting that, the more this wears on.

I… I know I have a hard time saying this sometimes, but I love you. I really, really do. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything and being alone like this – it feels like I’m trying to breathe through smoke. I love you, I miss you.

I can’t give up on this because I’d never give up on you.

Mission 205, Day 24, 1/6/22.

That one mechanic still hates me which is really funny because if you really think about it, he’s the reason we met.

Did I ever tell you about that? I’m sure I must have; that whole thing was just a punishment for me being inconceivably rude to this guy. Well, joke was on me I guess, because now he’s being inconceivably rude to me. Seems to take great pleasure in bossing me around and making me do X, Y, Z, though every time I don’t really react that much his enjoyment of it seems to lessen.

I wonder what would happen if I put him and that engineer in a room. Would they get along because of their mutual boss-me-around instincts or would they kill each other by trying to order each other to death? Much to think about. My head-you / angeldevil on my shoulder (I am so so lonely, please do not judge me unless you’re doing it in person in which case you can do whatever you want to me and I will still be the happiest man alive) would like to see them in a cage fight. ~~I think them making out is not off the table~~ okay maybe that’s a bit too far I’m sorry for that mental image.

I’m feeling a bit better today. The company’s doctor (she must be under so many NDAs…) forced me to put some something on my scar and it’s making me feel less feverish. I told her this and then she yelled at me for ‘having an infected wound’ and ‘having a fever for how long?!’ and yadda yadda.

I’m also feeling a bit emotionally better today. I think it helps to think of this as something to bear until we can go home again; giving myself a light at the end of the tunnel, however implausible, is maybe the only way I can get through this. The only way we can get through this.

I know it’s maybe a tad unrealistic but that day before it all went wrong I said we’d watch the sunset tomorrow when it wasn’t raining and you never cashed in the rain check, so I’m holding you to that, okay?

Mission 205, Day 25, 1/7/22.

There’s a new ‘contractor’ here. Devotee of some variety, seems okay, but man is she butting heads with the boss.

Wish you were here to see it; this is just the sort of stuff you like. I think they’re both two seconds away from strangling each other at all times and I am having the hardest time of my life trying not to say something incendiary.

She’s got a kid, too, who is cute I guess but he has a few too many arms… they’re his arms, felt I should clarify – we still only have one elementary schooler who I’d classify as a future grave-robber, and it’s not the new one. I actually haven’t seen her around today; I asked Isaiah and he said she was scared of children which I find incredibly funny. I mean it’s sad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just. I mean, she’s not scared of ghosts or bones; I think if she saw a dead body she’d walk out with whatever the opposite of trauma is, but she’s scared of children?

I guess it’s thematically cohesive right like the opposite of kids is dead people?

… I really need you to slap me when I say stuff like this okay I think I’m losing my grip on not being pretentious.

Anyways. Yes. That’s the gossip. New lady, new kid. The kid actually reminds me a bit of your little brother but, like, way younger and less obsessed with sharp objects. Did he ever get over that, by the way? I don’t think you were right about him just doing that to look cool I genuinely think he wants to hoard sharp objects…

Miss you a million times over, hope you’re having a good day.

Mission 205, Day 26, 1/8/22.

I’mmmm getting nervous again.

This is just like the last time when she I really don’t want to think about that you know what she did anyways, presumably.

I think it’s always worse when she’s quiet. When she’s being cruel you know that’s what she’s thinking but when she’s quiet she’s only being cruel in her head. ‘Devil you know / devil you don’t’ sort of thing. Except she can’t really hide it in her eyes; they’re glittering and she’s hiding smirks behind her hand. I’ve been trying to figure out who or what she’s doing them at but the exact person eludes me.

And she keeps touching the knife, too. I’m such a nervous wreck right now that she could ask me to do anything and I genuinely believe I’d do it instantaneously if she was touching that thing. Does she know how much touching it makes my heart race? … Heart race in a very not good way. In a ‘panic’ way. And not the… ughh you know the English language really needs to decouple words you can use to describe anxiety from words you use to describe romance. I think I’ve genuinely used most of them to describe the way you make me feel at some point or another.

Wow, you know what? We can skip this entry too.

Mission 205, Day 27, 1/9/22.

I was right but I really wish I wasn’t.

Mission 205, Day 28, 1/10/22.

Changing bandages is a lot harder when people also have blood. Never knew how easy I had it with you.

I’m doing this because he can’t move his hand all that well still and I’m not about to make a 9 10 year old do this. That would mess her up more than that woman already has.

First One I hate her I hate her so much. It’s burning in me bright and hot and absolutely unequivocally furious. I feel guilty and I feel ashamed that it’s my magic hurting people like this but at the same time it was her words, her twisted idea, her desire to hurt and use and trap and corner people. And all this because what?

I hate her for it but I understand, I understand why she did what she did to us. It doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it okay in any way shape or form, but she needed me and she despised you so I understand the horrific logic there.

What I do not and WILL NEVER understand, is why a TEN YEAR OLD CHILD not ‘doing her job FAST ENOUGH’ warrants this first-forsaken tormentous nightmare. The kid hasn’t stopped crying and I’ve had to help her wash her mouth out because she tried to go get comfort from Vice and started choking on ink. I had to help a TEN YEAR OLD CHILD wash her mouth out because —!

I’m so mad but I’m so tired, too. Isaiah’s just been staring at the floor and staring at his hand and staring off into the distance. He’s haunted. He doesn’t deserve this. I’ve been bringing him food but he’s barely even touched it.

I wish you were here so, so desperately. I don’t know how to watch a kid, I don’t know how to comfort people or how to fix any of this. Not sure you know – well, I know you know how to watch kids, but I know that even if we didn’t know how to do everything else we could do it if we were together.

Mission 205, Day 29, 1/11/22.

Vice is watching the kids today. …It’s inconvenient to just use ‘kid’ to refer to the both of them, I guess, but it feels uncomfortable writing their names all the way down. Sort of invasive. They’re just kids.

And I’m sure as anything not going to use their ‘aliases’ either. They’re kids. Children. They’re not a workforce and they’re certainly not meant to be supervillains–!

Sorry, sorry. I think being mad is better than being sad but at the same time neither have ever done me any good.

I’m using this opportunity to try and help Isaiah feel better. Difficult, considering the poor guy’s life just got ruined two days ago, but I’m really trying. I know I was maybe a bit dismissive of him in a couple of these logs (have mostly given up on ‘backreading’ because it puts me in a bad headspace) but he’s genuinely one of the only people who treats me like a person and he really helped to drag me out of my slump after my life got ruined, so it’s only right to try my best to return the favor.

It took a bit but I did get him to talk some. He’s grateful to me and to Vice for looking after his daughter, which I appreciated – but honestly that’s the bare minimum for both of us to be doing. Then he started talking about his wife.

She died in childbirth, which she apparently knew about ahead of time, since it’s a common thing in their family. Her line was blessed a long time ago (new information to me) and they have powers which are passed down through the women in the family, but it always skips a generation. Fascinating stuff, but now I’m really uncomfortable because all this is sort of implying that the ghosts were real??

I don’t like knowing this!

And now you have to know it too. Ha-ha.

Wasn’t all ghost stuff, though. He talked for a pretty long time about how much he had loved his wife, which was sad, and then how much he loved his daughter because of how much he loved his wife, which was somehow even sadder. He said that the most evil thing about what had been done to us (that is, me-you-him-the kid) was the ‘perversion’ of those sorts of loving attachments. (Well, I didn’t tell him anything about you and he didn’t really ask me to but you know; he knew I was in the same exact very awful boat.)

I’m burnt out but weirdly enough I’m also sort of happy? I think after so many years (well, okay, 3) of heroism I have this need, deep down, to always be useful and helpful and ‘do good’ now. All I’ve been doing is placing bandaids over the wounds created with my own weapons, but at least it’s something.

I hope you’re having a better time. Miss you. Love you.

Mission 205, Day 30, 1/12/22.

THEY’RE DISTANTLY RELATED TO THE MECHANIC??? THE ONE WHO HATES ME?!!?!!?!

Mission 205, Day 31, 1/13/22.

Sorry, I was super busy yesterday and thought I’d forgotten to write you something, only to open this today and flip open to… just that, which made me laugh so hard I decided to leave it where it was.

Isaiah’s been doing a lot better, he’s up and about and doing his job, if a bit slower than usual. Me and Vice have been doing our best to tag-team her out of pushing Isiah’s kid to the limits, but it's really hard. She wants something from the kid’s powers, very badly, and she won’t let up until she has it. I don’t know what that something is but it’s evidently nothing good. Isaiah told me that most of the reason he (and Micheal, I guess, although Micheal wasn’t told this) was hired was because of his blessed bloodline. After learning who they were blessed by I don’t find that too shocking; she’s always had a bit of an obsession with – well.

I don’t honestly remember why she took me in; there are lots of reasons why she would have done that, all ending in profit for her, but she always had a fixation on the non-human part of my heritage. When I was a kid she would ask me a lot about my ‘real mom’ (ironic given her current stance of ‘I’ve always been your mother’ etc), ask if she’d come to look for me, stuff like that. After I left I thought that was probably her trying not to get ‘in trouble’, but now I feel as though I was almost… bait of some kind. Does that make any sense? Maybe I’m wrong…

Thinking about either of my ‘real’ parents puts me in a sour mood but I’ve never thought about either of them too much. I know you aren’t close with your parents – err, your mother – either; my father’s dead but maybe there’s something in looking into him. I haven’t quite hit the searching for answers part of my vague curiosity but if when we see each other again I’d… like it if you could be there when I do.

Mission 205, Day 32, 1/14/22.

Fought another superhero today. She was alright; wasn’t as downright rude as the last one, but she did more of a number on me. Probably because she’s on the Council (?) which is wild, as I didn’t think I was that important.

I’m still fighting like you’re there but you’re not so I’m leaving myself exposed etcetera whatever I’ve already gotten the lecture. Decided to stop being stubborn about my injuries and healed myself but now it's hard to keep my eyes open. If only I had our systems we’d set up from back home, but I converted those into…

No, I shouldn’t write that down here. I keep this log very protected but there’s always a chance someone else reads it and that is very sensitive information. Just know everyone is safe and will be safe until we’ve returned, alright? Promise. We promised to protect them and I’m not going back on that – I’ll protect them for the both of us, now.

Mission 205, Day 33, 1/15/22.

I was on the news today and I don’t know how to feel about it. There was another storm. Vice’s kid is scared of thunder so I couldn’t stare “moodily” (her words not mine) out the window as per usual. The other kid is getting pushed a bit too hard but she’s started tapping the knife the minute either of us get too snippy with her and that stops the discourse in its tracks.

Mission 205, Day 34, 1/16/22.

WAS ON THE NEWS AGAIN TODAY. Still don’t know how to feel about it but I certainly have MANY MORE FEELINGS than last time!!

What is wrong with today’s teenagers… I am SHOCKED and APPALLED! STAN ACCOUNTS?? TICTAC THIRST TRAPS??

Quinten laughed at me when he passed me today and now I’m refusing to leave my room, because AZ, FIRST ONE, everyone knows they all know I’m so–!! I’m learning so many new words today and ALL of them are being used on ME! You won’t dump me for being a “poor little meow meow” or “skrunkly”, right?!

I really thought I was in tune with the Youths (I’m not old, I’m NOT, I’m only 18–!) but I suppose living on an island with no internet for three years has left me very out of the loop, I mean:

WHAT WAS THE THOUGHT PROCESS HERE???

Mission 205, Day 35, 1/17/22.

Unfortunately I still have a job so I had to crawl out of my room (head bowed in shame) to go help Quinten and Micheal with something. I wasn’t listening at all to what they were saying. Turns out the answer to “what happens if you put them in a room together” is “mechanical engineering”, which is far, far more boring than I could have ever anticipated.

I don’t honestly care what sort of machine they’re building; it seems evil but even more egregiously: it seems wildly uninteresting. I cannot emphasize my levels of disinterest in this thing. It’s something I’m sure you could destroy in under 15 seconds (they didn’t use any sort of hydraulics so presumably it used ‘regular’ fuel sources and, well, any villain from the island would know how much of a mistake that is…) and thus I do not care about it in the slightest. I’m sure you might think the metals they used were ‘intriguing’ — I don’t know much about them but I’m sure at least a few had to be rare and specific — but but as for me, woefully unable to sense materials in the same way, I am bored out of my mind.

~~Hope you’re not as bored as I am.~~ Hope you’re safe and not as bored as I am.

Mission 205, Day 36, 1/18/22.

Robots are real!

I mean, I’m sure we both knew that we’ve fought a few; but I meant like — Quinten’s newest project, that’s who I’m talking about. And it’s definitely a who and not a what because, and I cannot believe that I am saying this: that thing is SO sentient! It’s got a personality and quirks and speech patterns and everything! I was floored, I tell you!

Quinten had apparently also been building the robot (he calls it “Mecha” but that’s like naming a human “Guy”... which I guess people do… much to think about) a body alongside the machine she asked him to make, and he wasn’t super keen on me or Micheal looking at it. Micheal because he kept poking at it and trying to look at the circuitry etc and me because Quinten doesn’t like or trust me, which I suppose is fair. Apparently he’s actually had the uhh ‘programming’ (I don’t know anything about this, forgive me) for the robot done for like years and it’s been his like digital assistant or something but he hadn’t built it a proper body until now. I feel like that would be a wild experience, right? Having no corporeal form and then suddenly BAM! Legs!

You could destroy this robot too since it also doesn’t use hydraulics but I think Quinten would get super mad about it. He seems really attached.

Mission 205, Day 37, 1/19/22.

Bad news again. She and Vice are getting to some sort of breaking point and I can tell it's about to boil over in some awful terrible horrible way. Vice has been threatening to leave for a while now if she doesn’t treat Isaiah’s kid better, but it’s not like Devotees can get many other jobs and especially not ones who now have a criminal track record. And Vice is apparently very useful, so it’s making me very nervous – I keep telling her that if she’s going to stay she needs to stop threatening to leave and if she’s going to leave she needs to leave now without any warning. She’s apparently very useful to the company and we all know the CEO doesn’t like to give up her toys.

Unfortunately the things that I am unable to say to her make it hard to convince her out of her mindset, but I’m really trying my best here. I don’t want another person going through all of this and I have this horrible sinking suspicion about just who would be used to make Vice stay…

In other terrible news, she’s still being way too hard on Isaiah’s kid. The kid’s having sobbing fits nearly every night because she gets yelled at all day, and I can tell that Isaiah’s nearly at the end of his rope. I’ve been trying to help but I keep getting forced into assisting Quinten and Micheal with whatever they’re doing; and it’s all just — a lot. It’s a lot.

I keep having dreams about this cliff like I did three years ago. There’s a sunset and a woman in a white dress and someone with your eyes is there too

Mission 205, Day 38, 1/20/22.

I feel terrible but I don’t have the time to write much today sorry things are hectic and there’s so much going on and I’m just trying to keep it all together and keep the knife away from anyone’s hands which is harder than you might think but I think you could handle it better than me at least I miss you I love you I’ll talk to you tomorrow

Mission 205, Day 39, 1/21/22.

If I laugh maybe I won’t cry about it.

First One, I’m pathetic, aren’t I? This has got to be the stupidest coping mechanism known to man. “Talk to you tomorrow”? I wrote it in a moment of hurry, I did, but I have been treating this journal mission log like I just get to talk to you. Like you’re hearing it somehow. But my delusional stupid fantasy future where you read this isn’t true, is it? It’s just going to be me, here, alone, forever.

I tried to draw you this morning and I realized I was forgetting the way your hair ~~coiled~~ coils down your back and the sharp, quick movements you make while you’re braiding it and I’m forgetting the way the scars ripple across your right cheek, the smattering of freckles across your nose, your laugh your satisfied grins the little noises you make in your sleep I’m – I’m forgetting the newest steps to our handshake, even.

I had to reference a photograph for that drawing the only thing I have left of you is photographs

Mission 205, Day 40, 1/22/22.

because i left everything behind she said i had five minutes to grab everything from our house five minutes to decide what i got to keep from three years of my life and i remember the last time i stood in the kitchen the wall clock ticking ticking ticking and there were hot tears in my eyes and i

i walked down the

and the stairs

and when she yelled for me i came outside and i had every framed every pinned-to-the board every picture with you in it (even the one with your brothers in front of the waterslide even the one they took of us at the party and the one of you sleeping one of you lighting a sparkler for a kid the one from the festival photobooth where your lips are pressed to my cheek all of the photos i took of you helping catch and band birds that one time all you you you–) and i had my pen, the emergency whistle, and your necklace and that was all

Mission 205, Day 41, 1/23/22.

Vice is mad at me which is understandable considering

I just feel numb. There’s no line that she won’t cross.

Mission 205, Day 42, 1/24/22.

Vice is no longer mad at me but she’s still shell-shocked. I would be too – I was. Isaiah’s been better about helping her than I have, but neither of us know what to do with her kid. I was thinking maybe the two (Vice’s, Isaiah’s) could like be friends and comfort each other or something idk anything about psychology – your little brother’s into that, isn’t he? – but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the words “group therapy” before… anyways, but they don’t really seem to be interested in talking to each other, especially not right now when everything is so fraught. Vice is getting angry when anyone so much as looks at him. Kid hasn’t spoken a word in two days.

I hate this I hate this so much I feel so useless and terrible and awful – he’s just a kid, too. He’s eight.

I feel so guilty I can’t even look at him

Mission 205, Day 43, 1/25/22.

I can’t… I…

This morning she called all of us (me, Isaiah, Vice, and the kids) up to her office. As the days wear on that elevator ride to the top floor gets more and more tense. Vice’s son was crying before the elevator even dinged and the doors opened. ~~I’ll admit that I was maybe a little excited because I had the stupid thought that you would be there too but you weren’t and I’m an idiot~~

Well we sat down and she

I don’t

You already know this anyways I made her tell me that she told you she told you she did

She’d better have

So far no one’s getting routine punishment but the rules they’re all like the one she gave you, except she’s given you more now but she won’t let me see them so all I know is the one and I feel sick to my stomach I

It’s just– just so cruel, needlessly cruel, sadistic terrible awful

Some of it you could break without even knowing and there’s punishment in that I

She said you’d only get punished if you hit ten minutes because some of the punishments for some rules are really small but for you, for you it’s fifteen just for

And it’s so vague and

I’m being selfish I know I know I am but I hope that if you encounter someone who needs help I hope if someone is clutching at your feet and bleeding out I hope that you walk away from it.

But I know you wouldn’t. And I’m terrified.

Mission 205, Day 44, 1/26/22.

Isaiah isn’t allowed to do anything spiritual now but he came to me this morning, face paler than I’ve ever seen it and said he’d accidentally said a prayer for his wife this morning, like he’s done every morning and now he’s two minutes closer to ten. He was trying so hard not to cry but all it took was a hand on his shoulder for the floodgates to break.

He treats me like I’m a child, sometimes, in the way that he’s afraid his emotions are too much for me or that he can’t come to me for stuff – but I’m eighteen, and he’s the closest thing to a friend I have here. Plus it’s my fault anyways. My magic, my stupid decision: my problem.

I was a little hesitant because I didn’t want to be too you-know oversteppy but I asked Isaiah if it would be okay if I said the prayers for him then, since he couldn’t, and he seemed overwhelmed by my “kindness”. It wasn’t that kind of me though, really. It’s hardly an effort on my part and anyways, again, my magic my decision etcetera.

While I’ve been writing this I’m trying to practice the words. Worst thing I could do would be to slip up now. … Also the ten year old’s pronunciation cannot be better than mine, think I’d die of shame.

Isaiah reminds me a lot of Cody. You’d like him.

Mission 205, Day 45, 1/27/22.

Another day of torment! Nothing really interesting happened but it’s starting to calm down a bit (things I tell myself to stay sane). Had to sit in on a board meeting and those ‘people’ are more vicious than sharks. Like… they were really enthusiastic about cutting benefits and whathaveyou.

It’s totally going to blow up in their faces which will be extremely funny to watch.

Mission 205, Day 46, 1/28/22.

DRAMA!

I’m really trying to not treat this mission log like it’s some sort of portal to you but it’s the only thing keeping me tethered to reality at this moment so I think I’ll have to bite the bullet and continue with this unhealthy coping mechanism etcetera.

Anyways. DRAMA.

So apparently the robot was a secret?? Quinten’s robot, I mean. Quinten got in a screaming match with her (the absolute guts that takes is not lost on me) and it went something like:

“I’m allowed to have side projects during my break time!”

“You were working on the clock!”

“No I wasn’t!”(Neither of these claims have any evidence whatsoever, btw)

“Well it doesn’t matter anyways, since you should be giving all your resources to the company.”

“That’s completely illegal and also it doesn’t say anything like that in my contract.”

Etc. I genuinely think Quinten came out of that with the upper hand, which is probably far, far worse for him than if he had ‘lost’. Would not be shocked if he goes missing or gets a ‘convenient hand scar’.

Mission 205, Day 47, 1/29/22.

I no longer have to help Quinten since she is pissed at him. Small blessings! Have to take what I can get. I’m sure I’ll be back on another overly ambitious entirely malevolent project within the week, though, mark my words.

The board meetings keep getting funnier because they’re all being so blatantly malicious towards their minimum wage employees and there’s this one girl in the corner who’s maybe the least important person in the room and she keeps bringing up the INCREDIBLE amount of labor laws they’re violating and no one is listening to her. I kind of hope they do all this awful stuff and then get sued for it. It wouldn’t damage the company in the slightest but it’d be funny because it’d piss her off for like, a week.

… Actually I rescind that statement considering where she is likely to take out her anger.

Mission 205, Day 48, 1/30/22.

World’s most talented child necromancer came to talk to me today about my ‘sister’????

The… the sister I do not have and have never had. I was very confused but the kid said she needed to talk to me about this for work so I humored her you know did the crouch down to seem less scary maneuver thing – the only piece of interacting-with-children advice you ever gave me aside from the ‘let them play with whatever weapons they want’ thing which I was not about to do, sorry – and she started telling me about ‘my sister.’

Apparently her name is ‘Rosemary’ which is funny to think about, just name-wise. “Hi, yes, these are my children, this one is named SERAPHIM (all caps) and this one is named umm what’s the least impressive herb I can think of … this one is named cumin (all lowercase)” I don’t know okay that isn’t funny but like you get the picture right?

Anyways, the kid was asking me about how she could go about getting in contact with my ‘sister’ because it seemed like ‘Rosemary’ didn’t have any unfinished business or whatever and the kid was trying her best to talk to ‘Rosemary’ because she really wanted the kid to do that which is super fucked up btw? Why on Earth would you send a poor child on a wild goose chase like that?! I didn’t have any good answers because I literally don’t have a sister so I can’t speak on her favorite foods or music or whatever and the poor kid started crying and when I tell you I felt so unbelievably bad…

Like she was trying her best, the poor thing! But I couldn’t really say anything to make her feel better and then she was called away and now I’m writing this, a little sad and very confused.

I mean I have been…

I have been having dreams again. I know I told you about them once but I stopped talking about them when they went away… it was that woman, with the blonde hair and white dress on the cliff. It was something she said to me in a dream that made me like actually take a chance on you, if you can believe it. …Um take a chance like to start working with you really early on, not–! That was all you, trust me. Ahem.

I don’t know, it just feels weird to have dreams much like the ones that caused me to abandon the company in the first place again, especially here. She’s… familiar, too. Like there’s something about us that’s the same. It’s familiar and yet unfamiliar wow this is making no sense you know what you can just ignore this

Mission 205, Day 49, 1/31/22.

Maybe that’s Rosemary? I mean, it’s not impossible for me to have had a sister, considering my mother, and the woman in my dreams does look a lot like her. From what I can remember. I tried drawing her but I couldn’t remember if her eyes were blue or gray and I got so frustrated that I gave up.

Drawing’s been relaxing, actually. People are always surprised to learn that I’m an artist and I’ve never had the faintest idea why. I appreciate beautiful things, more beautiful things than just clothes, and no one’s ever shocked when they learn I write, just that I draw and paint. Bit funny I guess.

Lately all I’ve been painting is thunderstorms. Psychologists would have a field day with me.

Mission 205, Day 50, 2/1/22.

Robot discourse has started up again.

Apparently Quinten has a MeTube channel (AND HE MOCKED ME FOR HAVING FANS TOO!) so she’s a bit wary about directly confronting him because of the potential backlash, which is the greatest standoff I think I’ve ever seen in my life. Multi-millionaire CEO versus tech tuber. Outstanding.

The robot discourse has now morphed out of ‘I can’t believe you were making a robot on company property’ into ‘I can’t believe you won’t let me make your robot start blowing up buildings’ which is admittedly the funniest way the argument could have gone, too.

She’s definitely going to go for the knife, though. I can see it so clearly. That’s the solution here.

I should care more but I’m just a bit numb to it.

How many more people are going to get hurt?

Mission 205, Day 51, 2/2/22.

I have the most awful confession to make. I’m really sorry if you never forgive me for this. I feel terrible.

But… I…

Well, I was charged with causing a disturbance, right – err, not charged-by-the law; I’ve already been on the Council’s database for like a month at this oh First One a month?! I’m fine I’m – anyways. ANYWAYS. Charged as in ordered to as in hand-on-knife ordered you get the picture.

I was supposed to be a distraction for someone else who was with the company to do something I don’t know I’m a bit too lazy to actually care, can you believe it?

So I was sighing and gritting my teeth you know ‘yay I have to cause a ruckus and ruin property’ when I had this thought like wait. Wait I don’t!

Because, right, all I had to do was cause a public disturbance – so I was basically giddy as a kid in a candy store, I mean yes terrible situation to be in and all that but it has been so long since I’ve gotten to show off, ~~and maybe I was a little hoping that if it was flashy enough it’d somehow draw you out of the woodwork even though there’s a 95% chance you’re not on Earth right now~~, and so I just started making these huge illusionary lightshows and like putting up fun sparkly barrier walls and all that. People were filming and everything which made me a bit uncomfortable at first but then I was like, ah, screw it and started playing it up for the cameras you know?

I don’t know. I still feel a little gross (not physically like I’m you know what I mean) about that whole thing. I shouldn’t take any joy in my situation right now. Like this is awful. It is the absolute antithesis of everything I’m supposed to stand for. Your brother would probably claw me again if he knew.

But it was… it was fun.

And no one got hurt.

Mission 205, Day 52, 2/3/22.

I am the subject of discourse today on the web. Read a thinkpiece this morning about “what the obsession with supervillains like Divinity can tell us” and if I’m being completely honest with you… it was really well written. The author had a lot of interesting ideas and she made very good points!

I can’t tell if she/the company are upset about this recent development or not – I didn’t really get scolded for the stunt I pulled yesterday but I could tell she was a little bit irritated. There are bigger fish for her to fry though (haha get it fish like ocean like–)

I think she’s been trying to get Quinten alone for you-know-why but he keeps refusing her which again, I find hysterical. I tried hinting at him to not get in those one-on-one conversations which unfortunately might have had the opposite effect since, you know, as previously established he doesn’t like or trust me etcetera.

I have no clue why she is so up in arms about getting that robot working for us. Having spoken to it (them?) a few times, it doesn’t seem like it has any combat capabilities. It’s definitely a feat of engineering but I don’t think you need such an impressive AI to do stuff like “attack buildings” and “defend the company’s shipments” and all that. If it’s a task requiring some level of decision making or stealth or whatever a human would be far more suited to the job.

Then again, it’s probably the obsession with ‘controlling things she doesn’t have’ and whatnot…

Mission 205, Day 53, 2/4/22.

We’re getting SUED!!! HAHAHA!!

I knew this would happen – didn’t I tell you this would happen?! Oh, I am so vindicated right now and she is so, so mad. I’m grinning ear to ear this is so funny.

If there wasn’t so much at stake or if it was just me who’d be punished for it I would totally leak details to the press right now. Wouldn’t that be something? Some journalist would love to sink their teeth into stuff like this. How do I convince someone to whistleblow without doing it ‘enough’ that she gets magically tipped off or it’d show if I was under a truth spell? Ughhh….

The workers really do deserve better and whatnot and I should really be caring about what they’re going for but I’m too caught up in this childish, gleeful revenge fantasy. Sue me. (PLEASE sue me!)

Mission 205, Day 54, 2/5/22.

The company had a ‘pizza party’ (?!?!) to distract from the allegations and I’m losing my mind because she made Mecha show up. This is just like back home when you had to be at every Big Dinner Thing even though you literally couldn’t eat any of it.

They put a party hat on the robot… Now I’m snickering behind my hand because I’m imagining someone trying to put a hat on you… ~~You’d look adorable but I suppose you look adorable always.~~ Mecha’s taking it in good spirit, though. I had a conversation with them and they said their favorite foods are the ones that are factory produced to be identical because of how uniform they are. The amount of money I’d pay to watch the two of you interact is truly something else.

Isaiah’s kid doesn’t like pizza. Guess she has more refined tastes.

Mission 205, Day 55, 2/6/22.

Isaiah’s been really quiet today which is… worrying. His kid seems super upset too and it’s just giving me a bad feeling about the whole thing. I don’t know.

I think the kid’s being pushed too hard I know I’ve been saying this but I mean like way too hard. Extremely way too hard. She’s not having any luck contacting my sister WHO DOESN’T EXIST because of course she isn’t BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T EXIST!!

First One, I’m so angry I’m so mad I just want to—!

Like I’m mad but I’m also guilty. I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m cold. I miss you.

Mission 205, Day 56, 2/7/22.

Fuck. Fuck.

I’m so stupid. I’m so……

Isaiah pulled me aside today and he told me very quietly that he was at eight minutes, to which I responded with a very non-quiet WHAT. APPARENTLY she’s been adding time to his count whenever his kid breaks absolutely arbitrary “rules” such as, again, to reiterate: failing to make contact with the ghost of someone who doesn’t exist!! I’m FURIOUS!

He asked me to not tell his kid because he’s worried that if something happens to him she’ll blame herself for it, if she knew he was the reason. I asked him if she knew he was at eight minutes and he said she does, but he told her it’s because he keeps forgetting he’s not supposed to be praying or some other nonsense. I just… I need to lay down.

I can’t stop twisting my hands because if she can punish him without telling his kid for stuff that the kid did–! She could be

She

I could’ve

I need to stop thinking about this

I need to go to bed.

Goodnight.

Mission 205, Day 57, 2/8/22.

I had that dream again. I tried harder to focus on it but everything was all blurry and it was hard to make out anything because the fire of the sunset was so overwhelming. It was like it was actual fire. I think there was smoke

And the lady in the white dress, last night she looked at me, straight at me.

I can draw her now because I know what color her eyes were.

They were teal.

Mission 205, Day 58, 2/9/22.

All of today and yesterday I’ve been on my best behavior, I swear, I have. Because if the kid didn’t know she was getting penalized, if she didn’t know she was getting her father punishment just for failing to fulfill her job, I mean ! I haven’t been doing my job very well, I know, I know, because I hate her and I’m spiteful and resentful but First One, I’d kneel and lick her forsaken boots every single day if it’d spare you her knife, I would I would I would

I… I’d do terrible things for you.

Awful, unforgivable things.

Because I’m staring at this paper and I was trying to explain to you just how far I’d go to keep you safe and I can’t think of a limit. It’s terrifying.

Mission 205, Day 59, 2/10/22.

So. I uh. I figured the dream out!!

I can’t believe this is real.

I don’t know if I should be smiling or if I should be crying but I think I’m doing both and it’s really hard not to smudge my makeup or get this ~~journal~~ mission log wet because

Well I woke up this morning right and I went into the bathroom and I splashed a cold shock of water all over my face and then I looked up and at first I thought it was just some sort of reflection of the lights but when I blinked the water out of my gaze they were

breathe i can breathe

I have a confession to make. Back home I used to wake up before you and sneak into the bathroom and stare at the mirror every morning in the hopes that I would see this. I had this book by some random off-planet Bonded guy and there was this one chapter dog-eared so bad it was wearing away at the paper – it was the one where he told this story where one morning he woke up and he was passing by a mirror in the hallway and that was when he noticed it for the first time. I think I started getting a little jealous of him if I’m being honest. Now I don’t have to be jealous anymore!!

But… Az, why now of all times?

I don’t know how to feel about this like I’m elated but I’m also devastated, you know? If only this had happened two months ago because then I’d know where you are I could well she wouldn’t let me see you but I’d know where you are I’d know that you’re safe I hope you’re safe but you could not be and not knowing is always worse than knowing right?

Ugh I don’t think I can write properly any more I’m having too many feelings but I’m sorry I love you so much I want to go home I wish we were both home this is the worst way this could have happened and I’m still so grateful because it's the only good thing I have going for me right now

Mission 205, Day 60, 2/11/22.

Quinten really needs to stop tempting fate but hey, who am I to talk. If he wants to constantly talk back to her and dare her to do something to him then by all means I endorse his right to make poor decisions like that. I don’t care, I’m off in my own head today and probably will be for the next week.

Valentine’s Day is in three days and I’m oscillating between being bitter and elated about it. One of the kids asked me if my stomach was upset because I kept going into the bathroom to stare at the mirror. It hasn’t happened again but I know, I know what I saw. Please happen again. Every scrap of light blue that I see in the corner of my vision makes me jump and do a double-take which is really inconvenient considering the damn hallway lights are that exact shade of blue and now I’m looking like some sort of high-strung rabbit. Az. They’ve been playing the same five or six cheesy love songs on loop over the speakers and I think some employees are nearing a mutiny about it but I don’t know I’ve always liked cheesy romantic stuff. You know this.

Should I get you something for Valentines? I don’t know if that’d make me feel better or worse about everything. I probably will anyways so I can pretend I’ll get a chance to give it to you or something. Gifts for you always stump me cause you’re not super into jewelry or anything but just using my powers feels tacky… I’ll think on it.

Mission 205, Day 61, 2/12/22.

HAPPENED AGAIN! ELATED! This time I was walking through one of the R&D departments and checking in on the employees or something I don’t really know what she expects to happen here because I’m not a narc but whatever whatever unimportant anyways I was staring into the glass of some likely-evil likely-explodable machine and– teal! I knew I wasn’t making it up! HAHA!! I’m so happy and also so sad but so happy it’s… hard to put words to the emotions I’m feeling but you know what I can’t spend my entire life feeling sad, right? And this means Lady Laia and Lord Azbithe think that we will meet again, right? I’ve been grinning like a giddy idiot and I know it’s putting several people on edge because my scheming-malicious smile and my happy smile are very very much the same thing. You could always tell the difference but you’re you, so…

Anyways yes I don’t care that I have fifty bazillion jobs to do and I don’t care that she barely pays me and I don’t care that I’m not getting any breaks and I don’t even care that much about being villainous, anymore, because teal teal teal and that’s all that matters.

Mission 205, Day 62, 2/13/22.

Unfortunate side effect of working for an evil maniacal supervillain is that no one in the offices is interested in romance. I swanned in expecting at least one or two people to be planning dramatic confessions or for those wellness people in the HR department (funniest and most fruitless job I think anyone could ever have) to plan some sort of Valentine’s celebration but… no. I guess they were working on a Sunday so they probably weren’t super thrilled about that but I mean come on!

This is the best holiday known to man and not a single person here is going to be celebrating it? Disgraceful! My only vindication was Isaiah’s kid giving me a Valentine’s card – you know, one of the ones elementary schoolers give each other in those big box things or whatever? Yeah. I actually helped her out with the ‘decorative box’ she needs in class tomorrow and let me just say, if I’d been to school as a kid I would have killed this project. I am so serious. I also got a lollipop out of it which was nice.

Mission 205, Day 63, 2/14/22.

She said Valentine’s Day wasn’t a federally recognized holiday so nobody gets it off. Love loses I guess?

Have been trying to teal more lately and have had a bit of success! Those books weren’t kidding; even without a Bond it seems to be linked to thoughts and thought patterns. Will admit to attempting to take a selfie of some variety while active; limited success in this regard but I swear to you I will get there. It’s not for like, vanity, or anything, I just… you know, I’d like to know it's real. I need to know it's real.

See I’m super in favor of Valentine’s Day and romance or at least I thought I was but I saw two people in the hallway holding hands and I was just Az I was so jealous like I know it’s stupid petty childish I know I know they’re allowed to hold hands in the hallway ~~(actually they might not be since she presumably hates love but whatever morally it’s legal)~~ but it nearly made me spiral into incomprehensible grief-loss-envy-anger-whatever other emotions, so many emotions, like why do they get to be happy

Whatever whatever it’s whatever I’m fine I’m trying to think about happy memories now and I’m remembering your first Valentine’s Day which was funny

You had no idea what the ‘theme’ even was; I think Cody got you a card or something and you felt terrible cause you didn’t know you were supposed to get people cards and also because you totally singed it, which was cute – uh, not that I like seeing you upset please interpret my words charitably I just you know it's like how you were so desperate to not be doing the wrong thing and to make everyone happy it was… cute… I should probably stop writing but I keep remembering more like you were so mad at me for not telling you about the holiday and you were even more pissed off when I squeaked out the nerve to get you something totally-platonic-I-swear because you hadn’t gotten anything for me and yadda yadda. Course then you somehow caught one of the little reef sharks, without protective enchantments, and dumped it on the doorstep for me like two days later so you got your payback eventually.

The way I got you a bunch of roses and mock-chocolates and a super fancy card and you brought me a ‘trophy’ of your ‘conquest’ was hysterical, in retrospect. I guess it’s a little sad that we could have had more time together if different cultural courtship methods didn’t fly over our heads for so long but mostly it’s funny. And it’s not like I treasure your friendship any less than your romance.

I wrote a poem for you but it’s sort of bad and embarrassing so I’m not going to put it in here in the off chance that someone else reads this journal (if that’s you, stop it! creep!) but if somehow we’re together again and you’re somehow reading this you can just ask me for it and I’ll probably be able to scrounge it up.

I love you so, so much and I miss you more than anyone could possibly imagine and I hope you’re safe and doing okay.

Mission 205, Day 64, 2/15/22.

In an odd parallel to the way in which we first met, I’ve been asked to take down a rival supervillain organization again. This one’s a pretty small group so calling it an organization is a tad much but that’s the only classification word the Council has for groups of supervillains beyond duo-triad-quartet so I suppose I’ll have to roll with it. They could call them like “squads” or something actually no I hate that word hmm… “bands”, “collectives”, “coalitions”, “alliance”? I dunno… whatever… lol.

Anyways, I actually teamed up with a local superhero partnership for a while and helped them out, which they were pretty baffled about considering the fact that I’m on the Council’s watchlist. It felt… weird to fight alongside someone else and I didn’t like it very much, but I got the job done and who knows, maybe the Council will come away with an improved opinion of me or some other nonsense. Sometimes I get the feeling the Head of the Council of Heroism (isn’t that a mouthful) has some sort of personal vendetta against me but also I’m an egomaniac so you should take my perspective with a grain of salt.

I accomplished the task rather handily, though, and she never said I couldn’t team up with superheroes, so…?

Mission 205, Day 65, 2/16/22.

Adhesives
Gauze
Sutures
Surgical Mesh
Painkillers (stronger than Advil, ~~non addictive~~)
Disinfectant

Keep elevated, change bandages every 2-3 hours, painkillers three times a day said to not give in don’t give more could be toxic, watch for fever

Mission 205, Day 66, 2/17/22.

all my fault

Mission 205, Day 67, 2/18/22.

I wasn’t even there but every time I close my eyes I hear him screaming and I that could’ve been you that could’ve been you that could’ve been you it

Mission 205, Day 68, 2/19/22.

Nothing fucking satisfies her does it. She got Quinten today. I don’t even care anymore.

Mission 205, Day 69, 2/20/22.

I had the worst screaming match of my life with her today and now I’m sitting here shaking hoping praying that she doesn’t take it out on you please please I’d do anything

The wound on Isaiah’s left shoulder got infected, it’s one of the deep gashes, not one of the ones that goes to the bone but still super fucking deep and it’s close enough to his neck-head-heart all of the important stuff that it could have been fatal and she forbade me from healing him but he was going to die he was going to fucking die you don’t understand he was so pale so still

My throat hurts so bad it took three straight hours of yelling for her to let me heal him and she only let me remove the infection I feel sick he’s in so much pain the painkillers are too light but the doctor said anything more than that and he could overdose I keep crying I can’t stop crying I’m so COLD it’s been two months of hell two months without you and everything keeps getting worse I’m never getting out of here am I Isaiah Vice Quinten she’s just going to add more and more to the pile and it’s all my fault its my magic if I wasn’t here then none of this would have fucking happened

Mission 205, Day 70, 2/21/22.

I told Isaiah’s kid the story with your brother and the speedboat and she almost smiled again

Mission 205, Day 71, 2/22/22.

Writing this down is such a terrible idea but I don’t even care anymore.

More and more lately she’s been having me fulfill ‘orders’ (‘commissions’ might be a better word for that) for some of her super-uber wealthy customers, and by that I mean custom enchantments, right. Some of them are um, weird, and some of them are gross – …I’m learning far more than I ever wanted to know about the ‘preferences’ of rich assholes – but one of the most recent was was something to soothe the aches and pains of some elderly lady right

Now, I’ve been trying to conduct myself in the spirit of beg for forgiveness instead of ask for permission and she never said I couldn’t use other enchantments for my own purposes (despite the implications admittedly being pretty strong) … so I might have snuck down to the infirmary last night…

It didn’t do a ton and definitely sapped me of energy (which induces some uncomfortable implications; this rich lady is going to be sapping energy from her maids / whoever uses this object on her and I don’t think she’d tell them or compensate them for that) but it was better than nothing and I think I’ll try it again tonight.

I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel with regards to desperation at this point. I can’t afford to be choosy.

Mission 205, Day 72, 2/23/22.

His wounds are closing up more which is great! I mean, I think they look better, and that’s what the doctor told me, so I trust her judgment. I don’t know much about medical stuff… as I’m sure you’re aware. He’s still in a ton of pain but it’s slightly better and I guess that’s all we can ask for at this point. Me and Vice have been swapping between taking care of Isaiah and taking care of his kid although I take care of him more proportionally considering there’s not much difference between watching one kid and watching two etc you get the point.

I didn’t mention it since so much is going on but Quinten has been insufferable lately I mean okay so I get that his life just got ruined and everything but like hmm you know what maybe. I’m in the wrong here. I just realized the words I was writing. I did tell him to shut the fuck up today when he was whinging about oooh no what if she does what she did to Isaiah to me but idk that might have been justified. Or not. I’m so tired. I haven’t really been sleeping. He just made me mad when he was acting like what happened to Isaiah was like… I don’t know, it was something about his tone or his word choice maybe… I shouldn’t have been so emotional though, it’s been harder to regulate the way I feel with how stressed out I am.

~~This morning I was writing something and I tried to pass it to you and then I cried in my closet for ten minutes~~

But don’t worry, I’m doing mostly okay. I’m handling it. I’m not a wimp. Promise.

Mission 205, Day 73, 2/24/22.

Today was more of the same. Had to help Quinten with robots again. Micheal was there and I don’t like Micheal so it was vaguely awful – I just wanted to finish up so I could go help Isaiah more but it is what it is I suppose. His kid’s been an absolute wreck and I’m so mad but also I’m just tired, Az, I’m so tired I don’t have the energy to be angry anymore so it’s just simmering under my skin and simmering and simmering and yet I’m still so cold. The days are mind numbing and they take forever and yet I look up and everything has passed me by again. Miss you.

Mission 205, Day 74, 2/25/22.

Things might be looking up!

Isaiah’s kid said that she thinks she’s found a way to contact ‘Rosemary’, whoever she is, which is great. I’m a bit worried it’s not the spirit she actually wants the kid to be contacting — like maybe it’s someone with the same name, or similar vibes or something? Because I still don’t have a sister… — but I don’t know enough about talking to ghosts to have an educated opinion… the kid knows a lot more than I could ever know about this stuff.

Isaiah himself is recovering a lot better since he no longer has infected wounds. It’s going to take him maybe a month for it to not be so bad, and he definitely will be left with a couple scars, but I’m so relieved that he’s not going to die. It’s like this crushing weight is being lifted from my shoulders every day that his health improves. I’m not sure I could live with myself if my actions (well the results of the results of my actions… you know what I mean) led to an innocent man’s death. Plus I’m not sure what I’d do without him. If he hadn’t reached out to me all those weeks ago I think I’d still be spending every day in bed. I don’t like admitting weakness, but I really rely a lot on him for emotional support. Hopefully we can work together to work out a plan so that he never gets hurt again, but if what the kid is planning works out we might not even need to do all that much, considering he was mostly punished to get his kid to work faster or whatever.

The kid said she scheduled a meeting with her for tomorrow and I’m nervous about it. Isaiah’s nervous too, and even though he’s really in no condition to be walking he’s pretty insistent on attending in case something with the spirits goes awry. I’ve requested to be there too and weirdly enough she’s letting me? So. Should be interesting. I’ve never seen a ghost.

Mis i can’t do this

no no no no

Mission 205, Day 77, 2/28/22.

Enunciate.
Don’t make eye contact if you can’t handle it.
Memorize.
Enunciate.

Draft Four

I don’t think I have any right to be speaking at the funeral of a man the likes of whom is only seen once in a generation. I only had the pleasure of knowing Isaiah for a little over a month. But in that month he proved to be one of the most gentle, compassionate, genuine people I have ever known. Throughout all of the struggles and hardship that he faced ~~at the hands of this company~~, he managed to keep a smile when the rest of us couldn’t. He offered unconditional support when he should have been the one being supported. ~~If it wasn’t for me he would still be here.~~ The positive impact that he left on all of our lives will not be forgotten by any who his light touched. ~~Every time I close my eyes I can still see his face he’s still screaming screaming screaming~~

When I was lost and alone and grieving, Isaiah was there for me. He reached out to me when no one else did and I will be forever grateful to him for that. My deepest regret will always be that I couldn’t help him in the ways that mattered. ~~He didn’t deserve this.~~ He could have done so much more if only he ~~hadn’t been taken from us~~ had been given the time. I miss him. I will never forget him. ~~I promise, I’ll make this right. No one else is going to die because of my magic ever again.~~

Mission 205, Day 78, 3/1/22.

it was so painful ⸡ᐯ𖼲𖼎ᐯᕼ⎵⸡⬨⬨𑢡⌞𑀑⬨𖼪ᒣ⌟⫞⟨𖼲ᐯ.𑢡ᐯ𖼎⸡.𖩌ᒪⵊ𐔍𖼲⟨𖼪ᒣ.𖩌ᒪⵊ𐔍𖼲⟨𖼪ᒣ.𖩌ᒪⵊ𐔍𖼲⟨𖼪ᒣ

Mission 205, Day 79, 3/2/22.

the kid did what she asked she contacted the right fucking spirit she cant control what they say

she has no one now it was just us at the funeral how do you even move on from this can you move on its all fucking hopeless anyways i try and i try i try so hard but all i do is hurt people you got hurt isaiah’s dead so many bodies at my feet they keep piling up

Mission 205, Day 80, 3/3/22.

haven’t slept in days. had to get headphones can’t handle silence anymore it all sounds like screaming

Mission 205, Day 81, 3/4/22.

fought some blonde dumbfuck superhero i won but when i turned around she was gone i don’t care anymore she was satisfied and that’s fine don’t want to hear what they’re saying online i dont want to see anyone i want to go home

Mission 205, Day 82, 3/5/22.

I’ve been thinking and I’ve come to the realization that you’re probably better off without me.

I mean, looking back on it, what did I even add to your life in the first place? All I’ve ever done was get you hurt, or rope you into stupid schemes, or annoy you; it’s laughable for me to have thought that you felt anything other than pity for me, right? I’m not the sort of monster that someone can love. I’m the sort that rips apart families and sits at the side of evil like a good dog and wallows for hours in my own rotten fantasies instead of doing anything about anything. This whole thing is naive and foolish. You’re never going to see me it, ever, so what am I even writing this for?

Would you even want me to see me again like this?

I’m not the same. I think she did it. I think she finally broke me.

im not even a person anymore

Mission 205, Day 83, 3/6/22.

punched the mirror. my eyes were mocking me. hand hurts.

Mission 205, Day 84, 3/7/22.

If ghosts are real, is…?? What. Do I need to find a psychologist or … is this a good thing? How can I tell if the ghosts are ‘real’ ghosts or if she’s hallucinating her father if that's actually him i don’t know how to feel

Mission 205, Day 85, 3/8/22.

No like it’s seriously starting to freak me out. There’s gotta be some negative psychological ramifications to this. The kid’s nearly entirely bounced back now that her father’s ‘with her again’ and even if he is, he still died! Does she understand death? Do ten year olds understand death? ~~Well I guess you definitely would have, age ten…~~

Ughhh like he still died to me but now I feel like insensitive, almost, grieving him when his daughter isn’t does that make any sense it doesn’t make any sense at all, actually, but nothing has for the past… eighty-five days anyways, so who cares at this point. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired. I wish you were here and you could tell me what to do you were always so good at decisions

Mission 205, Day 86, 3/9/22.

I’m breathing I’m breathing I’m breathing it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. It has to all be okay. Energy during adversity. That’s what he wants me to do. I need to heal I need to be better because it’s my ~~fault~~ responsibility because I have to keep the kids safe. It’s going to be okay. If you say something enough times it becomes true.

Mission 205, Day 87, 3/10/22.

got out of bed before three pm today what an achievement. i’m killing this surviving thing

no wait that’s an oxymoron isn’t it… killing the surviving thing…

Mission 205, Day 88, 3/11/22.

Today I feel… numb.

I feel it in my… everywhere.

When I am alone… it’s hard to be in silence because all I can think about is his face and the noises he was making. The ripples of water reflecting in her eyes. They were empty. She was holding the knife. It was my magic. His kid was there I held her, I hid her face I put my hands over her ears. She was so small. She was shaking so much. It took so long he didn’t die fast he didn’t die painlessly. It was my magic. I can’t be alone because when I stare at empty places it’s his eyes or its Te someone else I lost.

Today, I miss… The way his eyes could look into your heart and instantly understand you. The terrible jokes he would make once the kids were in bed. How he’d brush his daughter’s hair, sticking his tongue out and concentrating like it was the most important, intricate thing in the world. How even Quinten and Micheal couldn’t get mad at him. I miss when he’d clap his hand over my shoulder when I said something stupid, and I miss the way his quarters felt the most like home, the way he’d talk about his wife.

It is hurtful when people… Act like he never existed in the first place, as if ignoring his death somehow makes it less painful. When only me and Vice and the kids were at his funeral. Every time I see their faces it makes me so angry. Did they care about him at all?

If I could talk to the person who died I would say… I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. It was my fault and if I wasn’t here, if I wasn’t so much of a coward, if I wasn’t a fool three months ago, if I was never born none of that would have happened to you. I’m sorry because if I had groveled more, if I had made more promises, if I hadn’t let the fucking ghost talk, maybe she would have let you live. I’m sorry that all I did for you was winge about my own problems. I’m sorry that I can’t function now that you’re gone. I’m sorry that I didn’t appreciate you enough while you were alive. I’m sorry that I never actually opened up to you, that I never actually told you anything specific about why I was sad, that I wasn’t honest with you the way you were with me. I was still hurting – I’m still hurting – and I was ashamed, and guilty, and terrified about all of that but I still should have told you because that’s what friendship is, isn’t it? Friendship is as much about protection as it is about letting yourself be protected; it’s about honesty, and vulnerability, being supportive alongside allowing someone to support you. Someone I love very much taught me that, and I’m sorry to both of you that I never lived up to any of it.

My support system includes…

My support system includes… you know what journaling prompts might not be the thing for me

Mission 205, Day 89, 3/12/22.

Good Things That Happened Today:

They added some new pastries in the cafe. I tried the cherry-mango one and it didn’t taste like ash.

There’s a pair of birds nesting outside.

Vice’s kid gave me one of his drawings.

They played a song I liked on the intercom system.

~~The skies are blue and that makes me sad~~ The skies are blue and everyone likes blue skies which means that the weather is a good thing that happened today. Normal, healthy, productive people don’t pray for thunderstorms.

I only had to write two enchantments today, which is better than the three I had to write yesterday.

More good things definitely happened.

Good thing number eight.

Good thing number nine.

Ten good things happened today, which means that life is getting better.

Mission 205, Day 90, 3/13/22.

I give up. Advice you read on the internet is terrible and kitschy and it never works. I’m trying so hard to get better but everything is hollow and thin. The days are achingly long but they’re blurring together and it only sharpens into focus when something awful happens or something reminds me. I thought if I tried hard enough I could be normal and useful again but I’m still laying in bed, I’m still going through the motions. I’ve stopped resisting anything she tells me to do because what’s even the point. I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping, I’m not doing anything but staring at the wall and trying to forget.

Mission 205, Day 91, 3/14/22.

I wish people would stop trying to talk to me I can’t handle existing right now let alone caring about more people who work in this hellhole. Everyone in this death trap already has one foot in the grave. Dancing in the jaws of a shark and they don’t even know. Involving yourself with any of them is just asking for heartbreak.

Mission 205, Day 92, 3/15/22.

… Please tell me you didn’t. Please tell me I’m not seeing what I think I’m seeing.

the footage is so blurry it doesn’t have to be you it could be someone else

like a hoax or something

for attention

or it's i mean like none of you have good senses of preservation

it could

but it’s blue

fuck

Mission 205, Day 93, 3/16/22.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Mission 205, Day 94, 3/17/22.

I’m trying not to hyperventilate but it’s really, really hard – how could you – you know the punishment, you know, it’s fifteen minutes a week – were you getting in trouble for doing something off planet, is that why? I didn’t sleep I’m this close to pulling my hair out It’s just like you to meet mild pushback and jump all the way into the deep end, isn’t it, I’m going to cry She’s going to hurt you, don’t you see, you’re it’s going to just like Isaiah why would you

Mission 205, Day 95, 3/18/22.

at least you have your brother i guess. didn’t really take him as the superhero type but that’s… fine…

i um. ugh. nevermind.

Mission 205, Day 96, 3/19/22.

I’m sorry for being snippy yesterday I was just – I had a lot of emotions. I think you would understand. Actually, I know you would, and that’s why I don’t feel so bad about it anymore – I watched the interview they put out, introducing you (and your brother I guess), and when the reporter called you two partners I could tell you were uncomfortable with it. None of the other footage I’ve tracked down had you speaking in it, so that’s what I have to go off of.

I’m being stupid and jealous right now, I know I am, it’s just that you… there’s something holy about superhero partnerships, isn’t there? I think that’s why I have a reputation for being a nightmare to work with; if it’s not you then I don’t want to be there, and I don’t have the manners to pretend otherwise. You’ve always been like that too. Remember when that one guy tried to butt in on our operation and you literally snarled at him for sitting next to me? Ha… ha. Yeah.

This is my journal I can write what I want in it okay okay

Being honest is good for your mental health or something I think helps you work through your emotions…?

Okay:

I’m not going to lie and pretend like my feelings weren’t a bit hurt. A lot of it isn’t even your fault, I mean… It’s like, I’m embarrassed about having to be a supervillain, you know? I’m ashamed, just thinking about anyone back home seeing me on the news doing this heinous stuff sends me into a spiral. So I think I’m jealous that you can still be a superhero.

And I’m also jealous of your brother, I know I am, because that should be me at your side, not him. How can he even pretend to be your equal? … Wow holy shit that was mean. That was probably too mean. But I’m not going to take it back, it’s my journal. It’s making me livid to watch him work with you, to watch all of those moronic nobodies think they’re on the same level as you, to see videos of that hero that I beat ordering you around like you’re her dog, it makes me white-hot furious. Seeing you standing in the back in that group picture they just posted, the way they’re all halfway ignoring you in every clip I’ve watched, I don’t think I’m emotionally able to handle it. Can’t they see… Don’t they know how you’re worth twenty of them put together…?

And I’m worried about you, of course. I still don’t know why you would do this to yourself!! Did she not tell you what ‘punishment’ meant?!

But I know she did, and that’s also why I’m a bit mad vaguely in your direction (I can’t stomach even writing that I’m mad at you) because I know you, I know you better than I know anyone else, better than anyone has ever known you, and I just know that it’s because you have some stupid awful horrendous conviction that you deserve it, probably couched in a hundred nonsense ‘arguments’ predicated on things you were made to do as a child or stuff a different guy did two thousand years ago!! I’ll admit it: I’m mad at you. ON YOUR BEHALF!

Az, I can’t act normally right now. I’m obsessively refreshing random people’s social media pages in hopes of getting a glimpse of you. I have to go do robot stuff or whatever and I’m going to get chewed out for having my head in the clouds I know this in my heart.

Mission 205, Day 97, 3/20/22.

You’re so sad. It’s ripping me open and dragging me over the coals. I kept hoping it was the color grading of the videos or the camera quality or maybe you were tired or something because those are similar colors but no I saw you grey once, and then you went back to normal but it wasn’t normal you were so sad

Mission 205, Day 98, 3/21/22.

SHE SAID I HAD TO GO DO SOMETHING VILLAINOUS ON WEDNESDAY BUT SHE DIDNT SPECIFY WHTA SHE DIDN’T SAY WHAT CITY I COULD I COULD

Mission 205, Day 99, 3/22/22.

This is quite possibly the dumbest and most over-complicated plan ever concocted, but I don’t care at all, I need to see you so desperately it feels like I’m burning but also freezing to death, and no I don’t care that that sounds melodramatic. Every second that I know you’re out there but I’m not with you makes me feel like I want to tear my hair out. I need to see you. I need to touch you. I want to see your eyes again. I want to show you mine, I want you to see what you’ve done to me.

I’ve been researching obsessively. I have everything planned out down to the final detail, I have everything I need I have all the equipment, all the supplies all the enchantments written out but I’m sitting here shaking like a leaf

i dont care if it doesnt work but what if

what if you don’t love me anymore

Mission 205, Day 100, 3/23/22.

FIN.

thanks so much for reading! i really appreciate comments if anyone has any thoughts but of course you don't have to lol...

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