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Hamish - A Drunk StoryOnce upon a time there was a dog called Hamish. He was a little "Scotty dog" who came from Scotland. He had an established job as a game designer, but he was also versed in painting and window repair. One day, while freelancing washing windows, he wondered what it would be like to live like a gopher. The only problem was, as knowledgable as he was, Hamish didn't know anything about gophers. Thus, once he had finished his current task, he realised he needed to go to the library. He had a phone, sure, but it wasn't a smartphone, just a "dumbphone" as you will, that was only capable of fulfilling its base function of calling people. So, he quickly headed home for a change of clothes before he set off for the library. On his way he met a dragon who was from out of town. The dragon asked him various questions about how to get to certain places, and while Hamish was very knowledgable, especially about where he lived, the dragon was asking him silly questions such as the quickest and most cost-effective route to Jupiter, to which Hamish unfortunately couldn't answer. He did, however, point the dragon in the direction of the library, which, as we already know, was the place he was going himself. The dragon looked mostly delighted, but was also puzzled. He wanted to know whether anyone at the library would be able to answer his questions. Hamish, as mild-tempered and patient as he was, didn't know whether anyone at the library would know, but he would endeavour to find out as well while he was there. The dragon this time was delighted, but had the problem of not knowing where the library was, seeing as he was from out of town. Hamish, as knowledgable as he was, could actually answer this question, and so thus asked the dragon whether he could escort him. The dragon agreed, and off they went post-haste. While on their way, Hamish asked about the dragon. It turned out the dragon was Welsh, was red and purple, and was called Marvin. Marvin was an ecological expert who had a vast interest in space travel. He had a friend, a cat, called Frieda, who was mostly ginger. She wore a tinfoil hat and often asked him interesting questions such as what temperature should Irn-Bru be when prepared in a bathtub and what bricks used in buildings talk about all day. This seemed to explain Marvin's questions somewhat, Hamish thought to himself. After all, they do say things about birds and feathers. Having said that, Marvin went on to tell him all about the time he saw two swallows in the street engaged in a heated debate about certain velocities, but as interesting as their conversation was, Marvin didn't have the time to listen to all of it, neither did he have the answers they were heartily discussing. You see, Marvin was on his way to a convention, one that involved the measuring of toenails, and not one that you would like to picture, either. Despite his reservations, Hamish did ask more indepth questions about this convention, and so Marvin told him all about the competition for "most wiggly toenail" and the prize, which he didn't win this time, being a whole flask of chicken soup. It was a shame, really, seeing as he rather liked chicken soup, especially as this chicken soup was free of charge, being a prize and all, instead he had to buy his own chicken soup when he got home. It transpired Frieda had told him about this convention, alas she couldn't go that day as she was having a new tinfoil hat fitted in the expensive tailors off the high street. Marvin had asked her about what else they sold, but she could only tell him about the tinfoil hats, as that was the only thing she ever went in for. Marvin had also inquired about whether the tinfoil hat fitting could ruin her perm that she had done every two weeks, but Frieda got surprisingly cagey about it. Quite likely it did, Marvin thought, but didn't wish to press her further on the topic for fear of potentially upsetting his friend. When all of this knowledge had been relayed to Hamish, he was only too glad to have reached the library. Sure, it indicated that Marvin was a good friend for not upsetting Frieda, but Hamish realised their lives were so vastly different and shuddered at the thought of having his toenails measured for wigglyness. Although, interest piqued, he wondered how one could even measure the wigglyness of toenails, and whether it was a true competition and how long it had been a tradition for, or if it was even a tradition at all or whether he had suddenly assumed so. That was something else he had mentally written down on his list of things to look for in the library. His game plan was to ask the librarian for a book about gophers and then access to the computers to find out exactly what Marvin was talking about, or whether he was actually having him on, but considering his seriousness, and him having a friend who wore a tinfoil hat, it was more likely that this was true. Marvin held open the library door for Hamish once they had arrived, at the very least as a kind of thanks for the escort, and explained he would be asking the librarian whether they knew of any books that may answer his questions. Hamish offered the fact that even if the librarian didn't have the answers he wanted, they did have a set of computers that he could use to look the questions he had up on. Marvin nodded, but, as Hamish discovered, was a traditionalist, and would prefer to look it up in a book. Hamish, understanding of Marvin's ways, nodded as well and decided to let him get on with it. There was only one librarian today, as it was a Sunday, and so Hamish and Marvin had to decide which of them would go up first. Hamish argued because he had a relatively simple request, he should go first, however, Marvin responded that because he was a guest he should go first. After some to-and-fro, they both came to a realisation that they could settle this some other way. Hamish suggested they toss a coin, but Marvin then disagreed, pushily suggesting that they should have a competition. Hamish dreaded the thought that Marvin had a "wiggliest toenail" competition in mind, but rather Marvin had something far, far simpler. He pointed to his feet and, without looking at them, proudly exclaimed he would measure their shoelaces. Except, Hamish pointed out, neither of them were wearing shoes. Marvin hit his palm against his forehead, quickly seeing his silly mistake and apologised for his lack of shoes. He did continue to push his point and heavily implied they should both buy a pair from the shoe shop opposite the library. Hamish, however, was not buying into his view. He didn't understand why he should have to buy a whole new pair of shoes just for one occasion. Marvin disagreed, saying that actually, buying a new pair of shoes meant Hamish had plenty more opportunities to wear them out and about. Hamish continued to disagree, stating that actually, he didn't wear shoes often enough to warrant buying an entirely new pair. Marvin and Hamish were thus at an impasse, and while in this state meant neither of them could get the answers they wanted. Hamish looked at Marvin and for a solid minute questioned how he got to this point in his life. Marvin, meanwhile, looked at Hamish and questioned what he was going to have for dinner. Chicken soup was nice, although not his absolute favourite, but was the easiest, and quickest, to make. Hamish, trying to be the better person, relented and let Marvin speak to the librarian first, rethinking his battle plan and now deciding to look for a book about gophers himself, or, should it come to it, just look online. Actually, now that he really thought about it, it made more sense to go straight to the computer and look for answers to both of his questions there. Admittedly he did want to speak to the librarian, seeing as he trusted this library very much and they hadn't put him wrong yet, but had to accept his loss and lick his wounds. It would be the more moral thing to do, probably. Allowing Marvin to go first, he headed off to the second floor with the computers. When he ascended the stairs, he saw that all of them were currently being used. With a heavy and most animated sigh, he went back downstairs and began trawling the library for books about animals. After searching the aisles twice over, he eventually, and luckily, found a book strictly about gophers and their habits. He took this opportunity to sit down and read at long last. However, barely a few pages in, he was interrupted. He looked up to find Marvin standing infront of him, holding two books: one on space travel, and the other about strange traditions and customs. He apologised for being so headstrong and understood that he was being very pushy, and so he wanted to make it up to Hamish by taking it upon himself to help provide him with as many of the answers he could without Hamish having to do the legwork. Hamish was greatly surprised by this, and also intensely grateful for the sudden turnaround in his behaviour, and was a little bit proud of Marvin's self-awareness. He invited Marvin to sit next to him, and so together they looked through their books. Marvin unfortunately didn't find a cost-effective, nor quick, route to Jupiter, but found one nonetheless. Hamish found that, surprisingly, Marvin wasn't pulling his leg, the toenail competitions were real and weren't limited to finding just the "wiggliest" of toenails, rather there was an almost exhaustive list, that included but was in no uncertain terms and means limited to: beauty, spottiness, bendiness, and singing ability. Hamish couldn't fathom a toenail singing competition but Marvin verified it was indeed something that was possible as one of his cousins twice removed had a singing toenail, and had won third prize in a national competition with it. The day ended with Marvin telling Hamish all about his strange friends and family, and Hamish inviting them all around to his house for tea and cucumber sandwiches should they want to. Marvin gravely admitted his great-great-great grandfather was deathly allergic to cucumber, but everyone else seemed to be fine, which made little to no difference seeing as his great-great-great grandfather had passed on from said allergy so it wouldn't hurt him. However, Hamish asked whether anyone else had any allergies and offered something no-one was allergic to, just to cover his bases. Luckily for him, Marvin happily told him that was the only allergy he knew of, and that everything should be fine otherwise. Hamish patted him on the back and called it a date, and that now he knew where he was going, to stop by his house anytime.personplay_arrow