I've been in a bit of art block lately, mainly because I started a new class at school (it's one of those 8 week classes) and midterm season. I had a project and I just finished the midterm exam for my hardest class. It's worth a huge chunk of my grade and I passed it! But now I'm so hopped up and nervous that my stomach hurts, maybe I shouldn't have ate right before the exam...

This was my hardest class because I'm not good at studying. When I was younger I got honor roll (As and Bs) while never studying so I never learned how. But when I went to college just paying attention in class is not enough and a good chunk of the material is not even covered in class but only in the textbook readings. You basically have to study and teach the material to yourself and I could not do that at 18 so I dropped out of college my first time.

Became a depressed neet for 3 years and then went to community college instead. I entered a program and now here I am taking midterms for my hardest class because that's the one I need to study and memorize the most for. This midterm went over the first few units in my class so I had to review/learn all that material. Mainly because I failed two of my regular exams. The midterm did bring my grade up by 10 points though. Giving me more of a buffer between me and failing. Because in my program you need to at least pass the class (with a 70) in order to continue. I'm passing all my classes at the moment but that can change at literally any time, especially during this time of the year. So now I'm constantly on edge and thus, stuck in art block.

When I was younger I was able to finish one drawing every day after school and even made comics in my journals during school in my classes, but now it takes me at least 2 days to finish a drawing, one day for the sketch and the second for the line art and coloring. That is if I even have an idea to begin with! All I had was a shitty hp stream, a wacom intuos, and firealpaca but I was able to make more art then, with less free time, than I do now, with half my classes being online and having more free time at home.

I guess I just had more ideas back then? Or I cared less about what people thought of my ideas back then? Most of my art is about my fixations and special interests, but when I was younger I guess I was less online and didn't know much about the concept of cringe. But now when I indulge in my interest, I also think about how others might react when I post the artwork, or having to explain what I am drawing since most of my interests are more obscure (or stuck in NDA hell, iykyk). So I would also have to explain when I make the post and I'm just tired man. Having to explain what I like, while others can get away with doing whatever without being questioned at all is tiring man.

Like when I was younger other people could just like things, but when I liked something that was out of the norm I was constantly questioned or bullied. Since I've been in college my energy has been lower and I have to decide between having something to post, or making something that would make me happy. There is a third option, posting what makes me happiest, but that one takes more energy with the explaining involved. I could just not explain but my autism likes having context for things. those tik toks where they just post with no context whatsoever piss me off to no end.

People I just finished my midterm and my stomach hurts. No art for a while, stuck in art block. Maybe I'll post more once the semester ends? I don't have to worry about applying for classes (thank my program for that) so I could just chill once mid December hits! Classes won't start again until mid January so I have about a month to chill out. Coming up right now is Thanksgiving break (I live in the US) so I have about a week there but I might be spending most of that time studying, I just won't have to go to my classes or have any new assignments. But I've also been applying to jobs so I could have even less free time at any moment now, I do like money though!