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bear by family_staralternate_emailRollfoll

posted 7 months ago, edited 7 months ago

dont i know

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Reverie of Kang Cheon-Sa⋆ Reverie of Kang Cheon-Sa ⋆ ૦ ---- ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆ ---- ૦ “It's funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn't live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn't even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us.” Chapter 1:I had lived in the United States for as long as I could remember. I knew my way around my neighborhood, and I was familiar with the shopkeepers down the road. I had hideouts in my bedroom. My friends and I created secret codes on notebook paper and marked the school bathrooms and classrooms. I had made all my childhood memories in the same location, but soon, I would be leaving. My mom came to America to establish herself as a writer. She wanted to have her big break, but she struggled for ten years. She got jobs with several publishers, but those positions never lasted long. Her hope was dying, but not completely lost. “This isn’t over; I just need someone to give me one more chance... just one more chance. Someone needs to believe in me. " Well, her chances had run out, and she seemed to give up. So now we’re moving back to Seoul, South Korea; I haven't been here since I was a baby. Grandpa and Grandma will pay for her plane ticket and a few months of apartment rent. Mom said she’d try to finish her college education. We would move in a month, and I told all my friends. They seemed excited for me, and I promised to call them. I said goodbye to America and flew away across the globe. We arrived in Seoul on February 13, 1997. Grandma was there to pick us up and take us to her apartment so she could talk with my mom. She said something like: “I told you this wouldn’t work out. Look at where that got you, disappointing, look at your poor child; I can’t believe my eyes.” The house never felt like home. Grandma and Grandpa always slept, Mom aimlessly stared at the TV, and I stayed lost in my room. It felt like we were all in separate worlds. I could’ve called my friends like I said I would, but for some reason I never did, and for some reason, they never called me. It kinda hurt. I honestly just wanted school to start; staying home was pointless. When school began in March, I was already an outcast. I couldn’t speak Korean, making communication with any other students impossible. Even the students who knew English didn’t want to talk to me. They saw me as cold and stern, even though I wouldn’t want to describe myself as that. The school standards were much higher than I was used to, and I was struggling to keep up. South Korea was still a pretty sight: I would ask my mom to take me to the arcade, restaurants, and record stores, all very Western areas that I was already familiar with. They did what they were made to do, but what made going to those places in America so fun was that I was going there to have fun, not to feel a sense of belonging or to stop thinking about something I hate to think about. I missed the life I had left behind when we moved here. But what was I going to do about it, maybe I’d just wait until I was older and move back, and maybe someone would be there to meet me.. hopefully. Chapter 2:When I got home from school months later, my mom told me she had put me in a hagwon for math, the subject I was worst in at school. It was some sort of extra learning place. I didn’t want to go, but my mom was too busy to teach me anything herself. “Trust me Ha-Eun, it’ll help you, it’ll help us! You just gotta trust me...” My mom would say this desperately whenever I showed disinterest in the prospect of going to a hagwon. My trust in her is why we had to travel back to South Korea to live with grandma “for a few days.” I’m just gonna be with more kids who won’t like me and can’t understand me. I’m too stupid and antisocial for it, anyway. A few days passed quickly, and I was entering the tall building I would now be attending after school. The place looked like an office building, but my mom told me that the hagwon only occupied 2 floors of the structure. The blue light hallway had a lady at the front, a thin, pale lady like most women here in Korea look. She was sitting at a desk with a landline phone to her ear. I don’t know what she said to my mom, and I don’t know what my mom said to her. “Are you an English speaker, I assume, Ha-Eun? The fact that anyone here knew English surprised me. "I highly recommend attending our Korean Language class, as I believe it would be greatly beneficial for you, Ha-Eun.” I thought of the idea, but I didn’t want to stay in this building any longer, plus hagwon is expensive, and Grandma didn’t want to fund it for such a long time. The room I would be occupying was small, with a few desks and a chalkboard at the front. There were six kids in the classroom: three boys and three girls. They were talking to each other, and I noticed one girl seemed to be saying hi to me, but I couldn’t understand her. So, I took a seat at the farthest desk in the back. “Hey, I’m Cheon-Sa- Kang Cheon-Sa; what’s your name?” There’s another person here who knows English?“Ha-Eun-” “Oh, that’s such a pretty name! What are you here for? If you need any help, you can talk to me!” “I’m here to study math.” “No duh! But do you already know some of this stuff like me?” “I honestly don’t really know.” “Well, just talk to me if you need help; I’m pretty good at this!” “Uh-ok?” Kang Cheon-Sa was an interesting person, and I couldn’t tell whether I liked that at first. She had long black (maybe brown, I can’t tell) flowy hair, middle-parted that she would brush out of her face here and there, eyes that made it look like she was always smiling even when she was not, little dots on her face that couldn’t be distinguished as anything. She was confident and friends with everyone at her school. Why should she even care about me and why should I even care about her? But as we kept talking and getting to know each other, I realized that something about me was changing. I started liking to talk more, felt like I was actually getting something out of hagwon, and just overall felt more confident when I was with Cheon-Sa. Was this her goal? I don’t know, but I liked it and I’ll admit-I liked her.Chapter 3:So a month flew by quickly, Grandma stopped paying for my extra studies, and I would have to go back home to my meaningless house after school, and I would yet again be stuck at my dreadful home and be reminded of my dreadful school. But I think I saw her, for a split moment: long black or brown flowy hair, dotted face, and eyes that looked like they were smiling back at me. I was staring at her, presumably so intensely, but when I blinked, she was gone- it was like she never existed at all. That short moment kinda overwhelmed me, I didn’t know if I was lying to myself or not, and I felt pathetic for missing her so much that I was hallucinating. When I got to class, I immediately asked to go to the bathroom. My teacher hesitated but let me go. The bathroom was like my little safe space where I could do whatever for a short period of time: daydream, chew my favorite pink lemonade gum, or just wait until class was somewhat half over. I was daydreaming of Cheon-Sa; all the things we could do if she was around. I'm struggling to communicate with her, and I don't want things to stay this way. But at the same time, I don’t want to change anything. Why do I always want things to remain the same? I think I need to stop thinking so much. “Ha-Eun, are you in there?” It was Cheon-Sa, she was calling my name from outside the stall. She really was here. Oh, but what would she think when she saw me like this? I was sitting pathetically in a stall thinking of her. I didn’t want to open the door, but what if it was my only opportunity to see her again? I slowly creaked open the door to where she could only see my eye. “It really is you! I thought I’d never see you again!” I opened the bathroom door wider, I was surprised she could recognize just my eye alone. “I guess, I missed you too.” And at that moment she hugged me, like a full hug. I don’t know why it surprised me so much but it did. I hugged her back. It felt nice. “Were you using the bathroom? It’s fine if you don’t want to answer.” “Uh, not exactly, but I’m doing fine.” “Oh ok. I have to get to class back now. Hey, can I give you my phone number?” “Oh yeah sure!” I said with delight. I think after this small interaction, the best friendship with Cheon-Sa started. We would call each other almost all the time. Sometimes even sent letters when my power went out (which happened a lot). Whenever we met up in person it was so fun. Cheon-Sa had a lot of hobbies, so there was never a time that we didn’t know what to do. Rollerskating, arcade, library, park, and my favorite: the record. I loved the atmosphere of it all: so calm and welcoming. Mr. Choi, cashier and owner of the store, was one of my favorite people here. He knew how to speak English since he also lived in America his whole life. I even gained some new friends from hanging out with Cheon-Sa: Seo-Yun and Chae Won. Overall being with Cheon-Sa was a fun time and I felt like I was getting over my problems and struggles by just being next to her, like I was unstoppable. The last time we were together, we had a sleepover at my house. We played card games, drew in my notebook, recorded songs on the radio, watched TV, and just talked about whatever was on our minds. I think I can consider it one of my favorite moments with Cheon-Sa. When I fell asleep that night, I thought about my friendship with her and how my life sorta changed. I loved Cheon-Sa, I really did.Chapter 4:But something weird happened that I still can’t explain. I woke up the next day, I was met with golden and white rays of sunshine from the window of my small bedroom. There was still a slight mess from the sleepover: chips, spilled beads, and crumpled paper lined the floor. I looked out the window: peaceful, sun high. I felt like something good was about to happen. I exited my room, went to the living room, and reached for the landline phone to call Cheon-Sa -just like we had planned last night. I dialed her number, expecting her to answer immediately like she usually does…nothing. I called again, but nothing. I dialed 3 more times, but no one had picked up all 5 times. It was weird because she said her alarm clock would’ve woken her at 6 am, 1 hour ago. Maybe her family went out? I asked Mom if I could walk over to her house, and she said yes. I quickly changed and left the house, the sun still shining as if everything was going ok. I wasn’t worried, Cheon-Sa was a reliable person in my eyes. When I arrived at her house, her mom’s car was pulling up in the driveway. I walked up to her to ask her if Cheon-Sa was there, she seemed startled that I was there. She looked like she hadn’t slept in forever and didn’t want to talk to anyone. “Hello Ha-Eun,” she said in a sort of condescending and uncertain tone. “Um…good morning Mrs. Kang. Is it Cheon-Sa?” She looked away when I said her name. “No,” she’s still looking away. “Where is she then?” I was getting worried. “Go home Ha-Eun, I’m very tired. Please.” Before I could say anything else, she was already walking away from me; I didn’t try to engage with her any more than I already had. I wanted to ask her more about Cheon-Sa, but I didn't want to appear needy, even though I was. The whole thing was taking a burden on my brain, Cheon-Sa would never change plans without telling me. Maybe this was all just some big misunderstanding? ୨─────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────୧ When I got home, I immediately ran to my room. I think my mom called for me, but I didn’t care to listen. As soon as I entered, I laid my back on my bed. I genuinely didn’t know what to do. I should’ve been calling Cheon-Sa right now, maybe playing in her house, riding our bikes down the street as we planned. But since we weren’t, everything felt wrong. I laid on my bed for around 10 minutes, I took notice of things around my room: my open notebook, scattered cassette tapes on the floor, my chair that was on the other side of the room, chip bags and candy wrappers under my dresser, and other things that reminded me of last night. It was strange; everything here was from Cheon-Sa just a day ago, but now she’s gone. Why does she never feel real, non-existent, a daydream? ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──Yet I haven't heard from Cheon-Sa since our sleepover. The last week of school until a break came and left just like that. Most kids are likely to take summer classes, so I’m unsure if it was correct to feel happy. I would be back at home like when I first moved here, and the house even felt just as soulless as it did back then. My mom wasn’t at home since she was usually going to job interviews or some appointments, so I was left with my own thoughts: all of them pointed to Cheon-Sa. I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I have called her many times and sent her letters, but she hasn’t answered. Some people at school say she moved but that’s obviously not true. I’ve gone to her house since she disappeared: her mom, her room, her likeness have all been left untouched. Cheon-Sa’s mom keeps saying: she’ll be back soon, stop asking. But where did she go? I was washing the plates in the kitchen when I noticed a paper on the dining table. I shouldn’t have cared about it, and I really didn’t, but I just felt inclined to look at it. It was a letter from Cheon-Sa to me. Dear Ha Eun, January 1998 ★Hi there! I hope you’re doing well at home! I really enjoyed hanging out together last week! If you want to go to the arcade again on Sunday, then just call me!! You know where you’ll find me. P.S. Remember to do your science homework, I know you hate it, but it's important!!!!! From your bsf, Kang Cheon Sa “You know where you’ll find me” Do I though, do I really? Then I wondered, what if I tried to figure out where Cheon-Sa was? Maybe if I just tried asking around more and just thought a little harder, I could find Cheon-Sa. But at the same time, I didn’t know if I truly desired to do this. I had been telling myself a lot that I should be angry at her for abandoning me like that and a part of me is angry. She knows how much I need her...I think. But, without her...I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Hopefully, only good things come out of this. Chapter 5:I pulled out my notebook from the previous night, well, previous depending on how you look at it. I had made a list of who to call. I could hardly think of people to ask; a lot of people knew Cheon-Sa, but not a lot of them knew me. My list was still fairly decent and I needed to start calling fast. I didn’t want to spend my short summer not knowing where my best friend was, if not with her. Chae-Won and Seo-Yun usually hang out together, but I think over the phone more than in person. I guess I could try calling Seo-Yun since she’s more likely to pick up. I went to the living room and was going for the phone until suddenly put my hand on my shoulder: it was Mom. “Hey Hannie, is everything going ok? You’ve been in your room a lot. Is something going on?” Hana was my English name, but sometimes Mom would call me Hannie since it sounded cute, I guess. I tried to edge away from her, but her hand wouldn’t budge. “I’m fine, Mom.” She seemed disappointed with my answer, not in a parental disapproval way, but in a genuinely sad way. She then knelt down to my level, now both hands on my shoulder. “You know, if something’s wrong, you can talk to me. I do care about you, Ha-Eun.” I knew why Mom had to say that last part, it made me want to talk to her less. “I’m busy,” I said dismissively. “Oh.” She let go of my shoulders and walked away to wherever she had to be at the moment. I just went back to using the phone. I didn’t have to wait too long for Seo-Yun to pick up, she’s just fast I guess. A loud, static “HELLO?!” came from the phone. I don’t know whether to blame her or the phone. I proceeded to speak in a whisper. “Seo?” “HANNIE, HI!” Her volume turned down slightly when she realized I was calling; she knew I don’t like loud noises. “What are you doing right now, need anything?” “Oh um...I wanted to ask you something.” “Oh then come over to my house, I’m leaving for tutoring soon but it’s fine! Chae-Won’s here too!” “Uh..it’s just a quick question.” “I still want you to come over dummy.” “I-ok then, lemme ask my m-” “Ok, see you! Be here A.S.A.P. Bye!” Well, I guess I have to go to Seo-Yun’s now. I didn’t bother to ask my mom, Seo’s is close by anyway. I grabbed my jacket and ran out the front door. It’s around noon. The sun wasn’t shining anymore like it did a couple of weeks ago. There was a light breeze that was kinda nice but still cold. ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── “Oh, so Cheon-Sa? Yeah, she’ll be back soon.” Seo-Yun and Chae Won were packing their book bags for their tutoring lesson, while I was faceplanting on her bed with nothing better to do. "But do you know where she is or where she might have gone?" “Ha-Eun, it’ll be fine. You don’t need to be waiting around for her. You got us!” Chae-Won said with a smile. I was not happy with any of their responses; it was like they just didn’t care or anything. I was sitting on Seo’s bed, now curled up in the corner. “Perhaps you should join us. Mrs. Nomura is very nice. You can probably learn something valuable from tutoring; I heard Grade 2 will be hard. Plus, it’s free!” “I’m good Chae-Won.” “But you can’t just sit around worrying about Cheon-Sa all day...” I stopped listening to what she was saying; all I needed to know is that Seo-Yun and Chae-Won don’t know where she is. I can check them off the list. “Are you still listening, Ha-Eun?” said Seo. “Huh? Oh yeah, sorry...” “Uh, do you want us to drop you off at home?” Chae-Won asked. “Can you drop me off at a store actually?” “Only if you buy us something!” Seo said while giggling and tying her shoe laces. “I don’t have any money.” “No duh dummy, I’m messing with you.” I needed to go to the record to talk to Mr. Choi, the cashier. Cheon-Sa always liked talking to him whenever she visited, even though he didn’t look all interested in her. He gave good advice or something like that. ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──“Hmph! I haven’t seen her in a long time…what do you need her for anyway?” “Well she’s my friend….best friend to be more specific. I just miss her I guess.” “And why’s that?” I stopped talking and looked around the store to try and regain my thoughts. I had a lot of things to say, I just needed to figure out how to put into 1 sentence. The store had a comfy feeling to it: there were plants on the window sill and hanging up on the ceiling, bean bag chairs that I don’t know if anyone sat in. The signs on the display tables all looked hand made, even if it was done poorly. The lightning was a warm orange color. A faint rock song played in the air. It was calming and helped ease my mind so that I could explain myself. “Well, I think she’s nice. She was nice to me even when I felt like I didn’t deserve it. She’s funny and likes seeing me smile-I assume…I don’t know-” I giggled to myself and kept talking. “She had always had something fun for us to do, so many interests…” “An interesting person.” Mr. Choi said with a dopey smile. “That's what I was thinking! And she cared for me, she really cared for me…I just wish she was still here….” His smile dropped a little but he wasn’t sad. “Maybe you’re just not seeing this the right way.” “What do you mean?” “Maybe she wasn’t supposed to stay.” What?” “Maybe she was supposed to stay just to teach you something. Otherwise she wouldn’t have left.” “I-” “You need to move on Ha-Eun.” “What are you talking about…I can’t just forget about her… She-she was the only thing that was really making me happy…” “Is that so? You don’t got family, other friends, and aspirations holding you together either?” “No you don’t understand! She’s a part, , I wouldn’t have any determination to do anything right now if it wasn’t for her! I can’t move on! Because I feel like I’m turning back into how I used to be before I met her. I-I need her back…” “Well you’re gonna have to soon. Heaven knows whether she’s coming back or not.” I couldn’t believe him. Why does everyone want me to pretend like she never existed or anything? Cheon-Sa is important to me, I can’t just let her go like that. “I think I’m going to go home…” “Ha-Eun.” I looked up, I was about to cry. “It’s going to be ok.” “Ok…” I left the shop right then and there. Home was far away but I had no choice but to walk. I could’ve gone to Mrs. Kang’s house, but didn’t want to continue my journey. I just wanted to go home, sit in bed, still thinking about Cheon-Sa. ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── “Hannie! Where were you?” My mom called for me when I opened the door to the apartment. “Ha-Eun, what happened? Why did you leave the house without telling me?” I still didn’t want to talk to her, I never wanted to talk to her. “I don’t want to talk about it, can I just go to my room.” Instead of letting me go, she took me to the living room and sat with me. “Ha-Eun, I’m sorry if you feel like I haven’t been taking care of you how I should’ve been. Ever since the move, it’s been hard. But I need you to know that I love you and I want you to be happy. So please, just tell me what’s wrong?” Then I started crying. “I miss Cheon-Sa, we were such good friends and she made me feel happy, but-but…now she’s gone and I don’t know what to do anymore, I just want her back and-I…” “It’s ok Ha-Eun. It’s normal to feel this way, but you need to understand that you have to move on if you want to keep improving as a person. Maybe she wasn’t meant to stay, and that’s okay, completely okay. If Cheon-Sa was here, she would probably want you to move on too. It’s not forgetting Ha-Eun, you still remember her, but you’re able to accept that she may not come back. But you get over it and keep going.” And then she just hugged me and I thought about what she said. I think I’m going to be able to move on, I think I’m gonna be ok.