[hello! this is one of the rambling notes i made last year around november, reflecting on my experience and thoughts about my first-ever completed art challenge, drawtober! i've been thinking for a while and i had this idea of creating bigger journal entries to take actual time to talk about my "art", processes, and behind-the-scenes; where i just spill some of my mind spaghetti and try to untangle it in real time. something in a format of giving an imaginary interview to no one in particular, or an inner monologue. all of this is mainly for myself, to have a better understanding of, well, me! having it in neat little boxes so i could always see my response to this or that whenever i want seems pretty useful, since i keep forgetting stuff, oops. so i've simply edited and gone over this thing specifically for that purpose. but packing it in a thread and shoving it in the face of a random follower on my other social media doesn't sound appealing to me. so consider it a sheezy special, i guess? it's not really entertaining or supposed to give some kind of "message". but in case anyone would be interested in reading badly written long reads where i miserably try to connect the dots and fail, be my guest and have fun! :D or don't! D: hope there's a keep reading under cut feature...]

now that it's been checks notes three weeks since october passed and i successfully forgot all of the points i was making while writing this exact post in my imagination during the challenge, i can finally settle down and do it again, but in real life this time! meta.

my first and most important realization was "oh my god my skills hit rock bottom this is the end."

for the past year and a half, i think, i was trying to get into the habit of making daily sketches. and it was almost! successful. as a character infamously known for sketching only to make a finished drawing once in a while in the past, this was probably the best decision i ever made.

it helped me so much to establish a connection between what my inner self wants to draw and what i want to see in my own art (uhh. this sounds uh. overly dramatic since i show like 1-2 pics from all the stuff i do. you just have to trust me on this one). it also was a source of joy to see how i slowly but surely got better at art. still, no matter how much i enjoyed it, committing to a routine takes time and energy.

keeping this in mind, i paused daily sketches in june to lock in with my art fight references (ironic, considering that i made like. less than a half from the list of the characters i wanted to include). in july, i was busy with art fight attacks (and even back then i already started feeling that im losing my touch; the total of 14 artworks that month suddenly felt limiting). in august, i took a break to recover. in september, i still didn't feel like back on my feet.

october snuck up, and i suddenly realized that my nearly empty sketchbook had been collecting dust since may, mostly blank. normally i would fill that shit up in two months; in summary, i made about four-five pages throughout those several months. drawing became a much less natural thing.

so, i wanted to get back on track. and the timing oh so terribly perfectly aligned with the classic october challenges, basically begging me to pick one up (i try to every year in hopes that one day i would fulfill my long-time dream of completing it). what could've gone wrong here.

cut to me staring at the wonky sketch of the day 1 prompt with disappointment in my eyes, hit by a dreadful realization that i need to generate at least somewhat polished pieces every day for the next 30 days. and preferably post them. all while my hands are stiff, rusty, and begging to end this embarrassment. it really felt like i lost all the skills i worked hard on for countless hours that entire year. oh well.

this brings me to revolutionary point number one: "ABRUPTLY STARTING A BIG PROJECT AFTER A HUGE BREAK IS NOT A GOOD IDEA."

however, the lack of practice wasn't the only reason for the sudden "skill drop", as i initially thought and panicked over. it started creeping on me much, MUCH later, only by the end of the whole thing. a VERY OBVIOUS WRITTEN IN RED, ALL GLOWING LIKE A HUGE NEON SIGN thing which i hadn't realized before, which is, drum roll please, LACK OF PRACTICE. again. in a different way this time though-

usually, when trying out those challenges (or any kind of art 'event' in general; contests, mini-games, etc.) for some reason, i unconsciously go for the things outside of my comfort zone of drawing. basically, im mostly chasing after an "idea" and what theoretically would look interesting or appealing, in contrast to what I would actually find fun to draw (read as: my comfort zone™, again).

y'know, my brain sorta separates the art i KNOW is being made for a prompt/to be posted vs the stuff i draw in a random burst of inspiration or in my sketchbook. the difference is who is the imaginary audience in my head, or if there's any at all. you can kinda see what im talking about in the stuff i posted for drawtober. it's simpler and more, uh, "general." i'm working on that.

meanwhile, what is my comfort zone? well, my sketchbook is all about characters throwing different poses and expressions! i love comics and animation, and i'm obsessed with watching how different artists push the dynamics and emotions through the characters in those fields. but sadly, i'm not really good at it myself, always been a struggle; which is the exact reason why i don't post any online. i still draw all of that! basically the only thing i draw when i sketch! of course, that would make me gradually better. and by holy cow it actually does!

but there's a reason why i'm explaining all this- throwback to the small existential crisis over day 1 of the challenge and then time skip to day 4; i made a doodle of my character then. and it coincidentally was the day when i didn't have that feeling of confusion while making it. i had a clear picture in mind, and i went for it, and it was fun, and i was pleased with the result. the question was WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE??????? and it was practice! i make that sorta stuff all the time, compared to the entries from previous days, which i had drawn very little before.

so i had a mindblowing thought; "maybe it's not about my break, maybe just drawing a lot doesn't mean that i will be good at drawing everything." and it was confirmed by looking through my favorite artists' different works, specifically studies and experimental pieces of stuff outside of what they usually create. if i only have ever drawn yellow circles, i can draw a yellow circle! if i have never drawn red squares, i can't draw a good red square! why would i ever be able to! that... took me embarrassingly long to accept, besides the very fact that i needed it spelled out at all.

yet the point still stands despite this calming me down a bit. i indeed am very afraid of and don't understand perspective, anatomy, composition, shapes, coloring... i do have to sit down and learn a lot of stuff one day, i can't avoid it forever, and that whole challenge was a great reminder of it.

that makes my amazing point number two: "DRAWING ONE THING A LOT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOOD AT DRAWING OTHER THINGS"

on the good side of things, now that i got an actual taste of drawing for and finishing an art challenge after so many attempts to do so, i finally have some thoughts specifically about, well, them challenges in question. nothing big this time, just a small handful of random thoughts that i had while drawing.

for one, it was pretty dumb of me to do it in a format i decided to go with. coming up with something on the same topic every day for almost an entire week, i mean! to be completely honest, i got bored on the third vampire (and now that i think about it, i pulled through all the prompts mainly by dedication and determination to complete it at least once). can't blame anyone here, i did that to myself. but that would make more sense if i at least chose more specific concepts or sub-topics for myself.

so i think i'll set general goals to go with if i ever pick up any art challenges again. as in deciding what i am doing that month and for what. am i trying to improve my skills? executing a specific theme/idea? putting together a story? testing out a medium? am i just messing around and experimenting? y'know, to have a vivid understanding of why i started this whole thing and not feel stuck with choosing a direction to go in every day. like when i made an entire piece one day and then sat there uninspired for a few hours the other and decided to try out 3 million new methods and tips for the fun of it. or just went with colored sketches. i feel that would give me more motivation to continue and concentrate my "creative juices" or whatever they're called, in one route.

at the end of the day, it was pretty entertaining. tiring and rocky at some parts, but now flipping through my mini art book like a maniac brings me a lot of happiness, so it definitely was worth it. next time, i want to try to do something more craft centered if i'll have enough energy.