- She/her
Hi, Im Charles. I came over from Deviantart after signing up there for the second time 2 years ago. It just isnt my kind of place any more, so Im here for a fresh start!
I want to try and start drawing and uploading art, since I tried to start at the last place and never really did much. Ill also share a little about whats going on in my life. Im looking forward to making friends here!
Admittedly I have a kind of depressing past so Im looking forward to... well, looking forward, and hope that every experience I have buoys me up. I dont know what I want from life yet but Ill figure it out along the way!
I am Charles, and Ill be your helicopter pilot today.
This week I talked with my therapist about parties and how I feel about them.
So, this time last year I noticed that my housemates were all going out to parties, and we even hosted one ourselves, but I wasnt actually invited to anything. I felt happy for them but sad for me, so I made a new years resolution to build some friendships to get invited to some. That didnt end up actually happening and I wanted to talk with him about why. He said he could relate because he finds big groups overwhelming and doesnt actually want to make all the small talk or get very drunk, so parties dont do much for him. We talked for a bit about what its like to be a quiet person and the ways we like to relax and enjoy ourselves, and I realised that I dont like parties very much.
Its not that I dont want to be included, its more that I dont want to go. We figured out that my ideal scenario is to be invited but not go, but to keep being invited anyway. Maybe thats a little counterintuitive and maybe selfish, but that would be ideal for me.
Reading this article about celebrating with ADHD helped, though I dont think I have ADHD.
It also made me think about Contaminations, which are a thing in therapy.
Basically, contaminations are where you believe something, but you think its a real fact. Its things like "Everyone hates me" or "I cant draw" or "Its wrong to be gay". Theyre not objectively true, theyre just things that some people believe.
So one of my beliefs was that "nobody likes me".
We talked some more and I realised that I like my own space but still feel as if I should want to be around people a lot, but they can probably tell that Id rather be on my own so they give me space. Feeling like I should want to be around people a lot is a contamination too. For me its like, "I should be sociable." Funny thing is, I dont hold other people to that standard, only myself.
Christmas is about two weeks away and I already feel better about not being invited to any parties. Im going to eat, maybe have a bit to drink, play some games, and watch some fun TV! And Im not going to make small talk if I dont have to, which I mostly wont. Whew!!