- She/her
Hi, Im Charles. I came over from Deviantart after signing up there for the second time 2 years ago. It just isnt my kind of place any more, so Im here for a fresh start!
I want to try and start drawing and uploading art, since I tried to start at the last place and never really did much. Ill also share a little about whats going on in my life. Im looking forward to making friends here!
Admittedly I have a kind of depressing past so Im looking forward to... well, looking forward, and hope that every experience I have buoys me up. I dont know what I want from life yet but Ill figure it out along the way!
I am Charles, and Ill be your helicopter pilot today.
It was for the December challenge https://sheezy.art/charles/gallery/you-want-bread-you-got-bread
This week I talked with my therapist about parties and how I feel about them.
So, this time last year I noticed that my housemates were all going out to parties, and we even hosted one ourselves, but I wasnt actually invited to anything. I felt happy for them but sad for me, so I made a new years resolution to build some friendships to get invited to some. That didnt end up actually happening and I wanted to talk with him about why. He said he could relate because he finds big groups overwhelming and doesnt actually want to make all the small talk or get very drunk, so parties dont do much for him. We talked for a bit about what its like to be a quiet person and the ways we like to relax and enjoy ourselves, and I realised that I dont like parties very much.
Its not that I dont want to be included, its more that I dont want to go. We figured out that my ideal scenario is to be invited but not go, but to keep being invited anyway. Maybe thats a little counterintuitive and maybe selfish, but that would be ideal for me.
Reading this article about celebrating with ADHD helped, though I dont think I have ADHD.
It also made me think about Contaminations, which are a thing in therapy.
Basically, contaminations are where you believe something, but you think its a real fact. Its things like "Everyone hates me" or "I cant draw" or "Its wrong to be gay". Theyre not objectively true, theyre just things that some people believe.
So one of my beliefs was that "nobody likes me".
We talked some more and I realised that I like my own space but still feel as if I should want to be around people a lot, but they can probably tell that Id rather be on my own so they give me space. Feeling like I should want to be around people a lot is a contamination too. For me its like, "I should be sociable." Funny thing is, I dont hold other people to that standard, only myself.
Christmas is about two weeks away and I already feel better about not being invited to any parties. Im going to eat, maybe have a bit to drink, play some games, and watch some fun TV! And Im not going to make small talk if I dont have to, which I mostly wont. Whew!!
Hi watchers! I was never very good at journalling but I think Ill do some here to show you all where Im at with everything. Im in the middle of a therapy course and were supposed to journal every week. Heres how I feel and whats happened this past week.
College Stuff
For the past few weeks Ive been learning about transactional analysis, which is a type of therapy. Its been really interesting because sometimes I feel confused by the way other people act, but this made everything so much clearer! Basically, most of it centers around the idea that we are made of three parts: the Parent, the Adult, and the Child. Its not quite like the Id, Ego, and Superego, and heres an article that explains it all.
This week my Parent has felt really pulled about. Ive been part of a friendship group and one member voted in the US election in a way that most of the others found really unsafe. Ive struggled with accepting it myself but decided to stick around. Im not sure why, and I think my Parent ego state has something to do with it. "Dont abandon people" maybe. What makes it hard is that I also have a Parent feeling of "Dont hurt people", which voting that way did. Ive noticed myself sticking with people before even when I could, and maybe should, walk away, and Im curious about it.
My Child ego state has been anxious. Its not so much that the group has almost completely disbanded, its more that a big argument happened near to me. Its not my argument so I dont really get a say in it, so Ive mostly tried to keep a low profile, but I still feel exposed anyway. I drew a picture today to help soothe myself, and I think it worked. It helped give me time to think everything Im writing now.
My Adult ego state has been helpful to me. Ive made sure to remember that my online life isnt all there is to life so i can walk away from the situation temporarily to destress, Ive made sure to eat, exercise, play (mostly by drawing) and rest, and to talk with my housemates about the situation. All of it helped, so Im grateful for my problem solving Adult ego state!
Ive also been using the Karpman Drama Triangle. You can use it to figure out whats happening when theres some drama going on if youre not sure whos saying what to who behind the scenes, or if lots of people are involved, and both is true about the drama in my friendship group. The Drama Triangle has 3 positions on it: the Persecutor, the Rescuer, and the Victim. Ive been getting drawn into Rescuing and I think thats why Im sticking around for the friend whose vote caused the drama.
Thats where the Drama Triangles counterpart, the Winners Triangle, comes in. Heres an article about both. So instead of Rescuing I need to keep in mind what my Responsibility is to each of my friends, and the truth is that I dont have much, especially as Im not sure if any one of my friends really needs much from me at the moment. Everyone involved is an adult as far as I know, and actually older than me, so from now on Ill work on not trying to Rescue, and just be here in case anyone in the group calls on me for help. (but I wont help if its a Rescue).
Home Stuff
Im also waiting to start a new job on Monday! Im very excited! Ill be working from home except on Fridays, and will be doing lots of spreadsheet based admin with a bit of database stuff. I dont know what to make of it yet because I havent started work, but Ill learn more on Monday.
Thats everything! Ill write more next week and I hope to have more friends on here by then!