I can’t recall how the argument started, but I remember why: Sabrina wanted to be the leader of Fairy Club.
Fairy club took place during recess and consisted of me, my twin sister, and a mutual friend named Sabrina. We would pretend to be elemental fairies with winged horses that would carry us around. We had never had an official vote to decide who was leader, but I ended up naturally stepping into the role, since I had decided our meeting place and led our activities. Our meeting place was a large tree in the middle of the playground, and at the beginning of recess we would all group up and go make potions or groom our horses. It was my favorite part of the day, and I always eagerly waited for it so I could see my friends and we could go off and have magical adventures. Until the fight.
My sister was present for the fight but didn’t participate. Instead, she plucked grass from the ground, watching as me and Sabrina fought without a mediator.
“But I’m the leader of Fairy Club.” I told Sabrina, trying to reason with her “I made it.”
“No, you didn’t!” she yelled back “I made it! I just let you be leader!”
"I did!” I began to yell at her back “You’re just lying!”
“Am not!” she stamped her feet at the ground, pointing at me accusingly “tell me when you made Fairy Club then! When did you make it!?”
I stammered, unable to come up with a response. For some reason, I was certain she wanted the specific day I had made Fairy Club, which slipped my mind. Despite my attempts to throw the question back at her, she rebuffed it, insisting that I tell her when I made it first. We were both growing increasingly frustrated, yelling and throwing the worst insults we could think of. I reached my breaking point when my sister joined in.
“Um, I think Sabrina should be leader. You’ve been leader for a really long time.” My sister piped up, getting up from the grass. She stood behind Sabrina, making her position visually known.
In my eyes, the ultimate betrayal had occurred. My own sister didn’t even agree with me.
“FINE!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, seething with rage “You can be leader of Fairy Club! But I’m LEAVING!”
I ran away, pulling my imaginary horse with me to hide behind another large tree, far away from the playground. I wanted them to find me, and apologize to me, and ask me to come back. But they didn’t. Rapidly, anger and vindication seeped from my body, and sorrow took its place as I began to weep.
After that, I never found another group to be with during recess. Sometimes I would play with other groups, but I never found one that I became a part of. I had become a loner.
In third grade, I tried to rejoin Fairy Club, but quickly realized that Fairy Club bored me. Maybe I had been ignored by Sabrina, who was now leader. Maybe I just didn’t have it in me to forgive Sabrina. Maybe I just had grown out of it. I can’t remember. But soon after joining, I silently left.
Looking back, I realize I never really recovered from leaving my only friend group. During 4th and 5th grade, I chose to hide in the doorframe that led to gym and read books instead of playing with my friends, because I had no friends. I’m sure me and Sabrina would have still grown apart over the years, as even in 5th grade, long after Fairy Club ended, I never reconnected with Sabrina. Elementary school was a lonely experience for me, and I can only wonder if it would have been different if I was willing to let go of my pride.
