i think being online and having any sort of presence, and doing commissions, has probably warped my sense of creativity. i no longer draw for myself. its always to get some type of affirmation or traction. i base the worth of my work on the amount of interaction it gets and its become so taxing.

i havent felt the spark to create in years. i feel like ive been slowly fading. nothing i used to enjoy brings me happiness anymore. i wrote about it yesterday was it? about how i only ever feel happy when im allowed to be a child again, and it also applies to creating.

i used to draw all day, all the time, whatever i wanted, however i wanted. i was always creating, regardless if it was bad or not. the moment i started posting online, it all became a competition for me to be noticed. i wanted the validation i never got as a student who got bullied their entire school life.

somewhere during all this, ive lost my motivation. and as it continues to mix with depression thats been worsening every day, i feel like i will never really get back to sincerely love making art.

theres so much i wanna make, but every time i open an art program, or set down a canvas, i instantly go blank. all i wanna do is sleep or play a video game and escape. im rotting from the inside and i dont know how to stop it.

i wish i was 11 again