at around 2am i had a burst of energy and decided to use it to finally clean my mess of a room. its relieving to finally have a clean space after months. i hope this time lasts longer than the last.
im also trying to draw a bit more. i want to finish 3 commissions ive been stalling on. maybe once done, i can work on patreon and i dont know, try making money off something i like hopefully. but im not sure where to start yet.
theres so much i want to do, always ending overwhelmed and doing none of them.
ill put everything in a jar, shake it, then just pick one.
i want to clean my room so badly. i dont know how it happens every single time, but it always gets messy despite my self promising that i'll keep it clean this time. i'd convince myself that its because i spend my whole time in it, and that i have my pets in here so it gets messy, but it shouldn't really be this hard to maintain.
is executive dysfunction a real thing or am i insane with laziness. depression is bad enough already, and the constant doubt that im just looking for an easy way out is already distracting. this isnt needed.
i want to clean my room so i can draw, paint and, not sure, maybe not feel like being surrounded by filth. its so exhausting, why is it so hard. i just want to be clean and organized.
i think being online and having any sort of presence, and doing commissions, has probably warped my sense of creativity. i no longer draw for myself. its always to get some type of affirmation or traction. i base the worth of my work on the amount of interaction it gets and its become so taxing.
i havent felt the spark to create in years. i feel like ive been slowly fading. nothing i used to enjoy brings me happiness anymore. i wrote about it yesterday was it? about how i only ever feel happy when im allowed to be a child again, and it also applies to creating.
i used to draw all day, all the time, whatever i wanted, however i wanted. i was always creating, regardless if it was bad or not. the moment i started posting online, it all became a competition for me to be noticed. i wanted the validation i never got as a student who got bullied their entire school life.
somewhere during all this, ive lost my motivation. and as it continues to mix with depression thats been worsening every day, i feel like i will never really get back to sincerely love making art.
theres so much i wanna make, but every time i open an art program, or set down a canvas, i instantly go blank. all i wanna do is sleep or play a video game and escape. im rotting from the inside and i dont know how to stop it.
i wish i was 11 again
i dont really know what it is. but for years, i dont think ive ever been genuinely happy. ive enjoyed moments, and things and other such things, but i dont think i remember the last time i was happy.
childishly, the only moments i remember being truly happy were as a kid, being at the disney and universal parks. i know theme parks are meant to give that effect, and i feel a bit of embarrassment giving them credit when youre paying them for it. but the feeling i get when im in a place, where its whimsical and nobody would bat an eye at you if you dressed a little weird, theres colors everywhere, the buildings are wonky, theres characters everywhere, fun rides and pretty much the whole atmosphere of it, is a feeling ive been chasing ever since.
theres a void inside me that only gets filled when im allowed to be a child again. and im constantly, desperately grasping at it to no success.