i dont really know what it is. but for years, i dont think ive ever been genuinely happy. ive enjoyed moments, and things and other such things, but i dont think i remember the last time i was happy.

childishly, the only moments i remember being truly happy were as a kid, being at the disney and universal parks. i know theme parks are meant to give that effect, and i feel a bit of embarrassment giving them credit when youre paying them for it. but the feeling i get when im in a place, where its whimsical and nobody would bat an eye at you if you dressed a little weird, theres colors everywhere, the buildings are wonky, theres characters everywhere, fun rides and pretty much the whole atmosphere of it, is a feeling ive been chasing ever since.

theres a void inside me that only gets filled when im allowed to be a child again. and im constantly, desperately grasping at it to no success.