Recently last week.. I decided to give my older sister, Julie, a second chance to spend quality time together, by joining her and her children on a trip to a Disney-themed Airbnb. I’ve often prioritized other responsibilities, like schoolwork or self-assigned household chores; leaving me too burnt out for socializing, but I wanted to make an effort to be with her again. I didn’t want my relationship with her to fade because I am always too tired. So, I went with the flow.

My experience of the vacation to the Disney-themed Airbnb was more than I expected, being very hectic, loud, and chaotic. The drive to it, felt like it took forever. Considering that Julie’s fiance Hector has some trouble hearing, the volume in the car was turned up quite high, with the mix of loud music and the show called "I’m Not Okay With This". The constant noise gave me a sharp, throbbing headache and mild nausea. My only escapes were the stops we made; we pulled over at a park along the way, and for a few minutes, I could sit outside in the quiet, taking deep breaths of fresh air, this also applied for when we first stepped into the Airbnb and I chose the Jurassic World themed room.

Once we started doing our things there and near the Airbnb, I felt like a dead fish.. My feet and back both ached from hours of walking on the ground at LegoLand, the Florida mall, and Crayola Experience. My nephews, who are six and three, were acting unusually boisterous and abhorrent throughout the trip. In the car, they squirmed, kicked the seats, and never sat still. In public, when they didn’t want to listen, they would dart away from their mom to avoid confrontation. And on top of that, they were screeching like peacocks.

Returning to my home felt like a huge relief; I was so looking forward to reviving the casual quiet comfort of my own room, the calm presence of my family, and the chaos, yet loving comfort of my cat, Cosmo, who loves giving me a bunch of kisses and snuggling with me in bed. I needed a great amount of time to recharge in my own space. So, it was a complete surprise when, almost immediately, I learned about another trip. My mom had planned for us to go to a rented house in Kissimmee. The thought of packing another bag, getting back in a car, and being somewhere unfamiliar was too much. I was still very exhausted, still feeling like that dead fish from the trip just days before. I couldn’t imagine starting all over again.

For the past year, my grandpa Tato’s health has deteriorating from chronic kidney failure, and all our sweat, blood, love, and energy was sent to caring for him and supporting each other through that difficult time. There was no good time for planning fun trips because of that. Now, nearly a month after his passing, my mother felt a need for us to break out of that cycle of grief and stress. She wanted us to have a breath of fresh air somewhere else, and to simply be together without the heavy weight of the recent past. For this trip, it was meant to be a small tribute to him; a way to honor his memory by choosing to find joy and peace as a family again, something I know he would have wanted for us.

We arrived at the rented house in Kissimmee just yesterday. And I am already enjoying it here infinitely more. The house is very spacious and quiet, with very nice sunlight and scenery. No frantic schedule, no overwhelming noise, and no boisterous kids to deal with. Here, I am with my family, my mom. stepdad, grandma Mema, and my younger sister Mila. We can chillax in our rooms, doing our damn things, cooking tasty meals, and taking sweet smelling bubble baths; I just took one yesterday with a caramel scented bath bomb. During this peaceful trip, it feels like the most fitting way to remember our grandpa and the love/support he had for our family.

~ Ayla