Making cute little discord servers is so fun. Just don't like running them. I've been through a small handful. I get excited about the idea, create it, make it public, get excited when the first few people join, get bored, delete(usually without notice)

Usually because I realize that I'm incredibly introverted and I suck at making conversation with people that isn't just me being a customer service agent with generic polite responses. I never really have anything all that interesting to talk about and no matter what I do when I try to keep up with others in conversation I never know how to contribute. I feel bad for lurking and not talking, but I genuinely don't know how to talk to others even in the realms of my interests most of the time. Like my head goes blank and then I get anxious thinking of what to say without having someone respond or not respond to me like I'm an idiot. Like the moment I begin to act a bit more like myself and get a smidgen comfortable, suddenly there's crickets. (IRL too)

I don't wanna be a nasty or angry person, but I don't really want to give people too much of just ME anymore you know? Because usually when people are more friendly with me it's never to me it's for something I have or something I can give them. It doesn't bother me anymore. Although I do have a habit of talking to myself now. I find myself blurting random bits of sentences when I go too far into my thoughts lol.

I don't mind doing nice stuff for people in regards to my art, but I will say I have had to learn to disconnect myself from my interactions and small acts of kindness and constantly remind myself that it isn't an actual form of bonding and it's not a friendship. It's a small feel good moment, not something special or memorable that I need to hang onto. This is something I need to continuously remember.

I am learning to just be content with myself and not seek out others so much. I am learning not to become easily attached to people. I am practicing to not be so bitter about it and to simply be nice and move on. It's a bit sad to type it out like this, but honestly, I'm not miserable. I've grown to be satisfied with my little corner of happiness. I enjoy characters, my art, shows, music, games, food, any joy of my own life and treasure it more than that dwindling urge to feel a sense of belonging somewhere.
(And this was supposed to be a short simple blurb about how I don't like running discord servers...)