I think I am really losing it
I could not even begin to describe to someone what I feel right now. I feel like I have been losing so much sleep not being able to sleep when I want to. I don't even know what to say I don't even know what i have even done the last two weeks everything has been a mindless blur. I don't know anything anymore im sorry i dont know what to say here i cant describe what im feeling i cant i dont know ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;........................................................................................something is very wrong with me i just know it i cant talk to anyone about anything this feels like solitary confinement
My mental health is getting worse; I can't sleep
I have been busy the last couple weeks but I am still alive unfortunately. An online friend came over last weekend and while I couldn't do much because of work, I still had fun. Once he left though it was like it never happened. I was back to my shitty fucking life. That's how it feels with anything good that happens honestly. Every time it's over it feels like a divine punishment like I was never supposed to actually have fun. Things always bounce back, sometimes in a violently brutal way, to the point where the good things just shouldn't have had to happen at all.
A few days ago out of impulse I asked the okegom community for help on the outro for my new video I was making about okegom. I was thinking maybe a few people would be interested but expected the whole thing to just be left in the dust. But to my surprise like 30 people were suddenly in my messages. Mind you, I have not talked to most of my online friends in a month straight, so I was instantly overwhelmed. I kinda had to sleep it off for me to feel any better. That leads to today.
Today I woke up early and stressed. I knew I had to interact with like 30 people about this collaboration thingy, so I had to talk my way through everyone and set up everything. It was fine at first but it was really overwhelming. I went way past my comfort zone on this and I cant just quit now so I am just pushing through, extremely stressed. I ate food, and then took a nap until I had to go to work. I really didn't want to go to work, but I did. There weren't really any problems with work today, it was just my thoughts. I worked and worked, but time was moving so unbelievably slow. The stress lead me to think about how fucked I was in every single aspect. I miss being able to fall back on anyone about my problems, but I left those people a month ago. I cant turn to anyone, not my roomate, not my friends, not my fanbase, almost anyone. The only person I could turn to is my boyfriend, which he seemed kinda disgusted that something was wrong with me yet again. I felt like I was a bother to everyone. I am severely socially depraved, but the thought of actually connecting with someone made me want to puke. Multiple times throughout my shift I thought about puking, and even to the point where I was thinking about just killing myself. I came home and luckily my boyfriend was there to help me temporarily forget about everything, but now it is midnight and he fell asleep. I can't sleep.
I feel like a waste of senses to everyone. Every time I say anything to anyone I feel like they are just annoyed. I think of every negative scenario every time I think of sending a message to anyone. Yet I am the one that put myself here. I am the one telling people that I am insane and that I shouldn't be interacted with. My mind is violently spiraling out of control. I genuinely feel like those people you see online that has no friends but you interact with them for like 10 minutes and instantly understand why they have no friends. when I think of anything I think about how someone will invalidate me on it. I don't think I ever felt so out of touch socially in my entire life. At this point its hard thinking about ever showing my stupid ass to the friends I left ever again. I am not getting better, and I don't think anyone has the power to make me feel otherwise. It's useless to say anything to anyone. I genuinely think about dying. I cant handle this stress anymore. I want to feel validated to someone but I know there's no way in hell that I deserve any ounce of it.
I can't sleep at all
I am stuck in between being too tired to work on anything and too awake to sleep. I've been thinking again and now I cant think of anything but dark thoughts. What I feel can best be described as withdraws from the life I previously lived. I am not the same person as I once was anymore. I don't know what it is, maybe I crave attention but it makes me really angry not having any interactions on any of my socials. I don't really care about getting attention here because I think barely anyone uses this site, but like when I post to my main Twitter or something and get no interactions I question whether anyone actually wants me back. Allegedly people miss me and allegedly people are begging to talk to me again but my socials, even my Discord doesn't reflect that. Isn't it obvious to where I can be contacted? I have a whole list of ways to contact me but I guess people don't want to interact with me. I really question these days whether I am considered a lolcow or not. My plan is to isolate myself until I finish this fucking video that I have been working on for over a year. Once the video is posted, I will try and actually message people, ease myself back into friend groups, etc. I think everyone hates me now, but it is worth a try. I will try and act as my old self as best as I can and see where that takes me, but I don't even remember what my old self was like. I am over here wasting my life away and I need to have my fun now or I will be too old by the time anything pays off and it would be deemed weird still trying to do this shit in my 30's or something. I have never planned to even live this far. I really thought I was going to die by now, my life has felt like I wasn't supposed to live this far for the past few years. Everything around me and even everything about me seems like it's deteriorating. No solution I can think of looks appealing, there is always something I can think of that can go wrong. The thing is if something could go wrong, something 10 times worse happens that I could've never predicted, leading me to where I am at right now. I don't even think I miss any of my old friends, I just miss being able to feel like I was going somewhere socially. The only person that makes me feel happy is my boyfriend but when he is not around it feels like I was never dating anyone. I feel so isolated and alone without him, but then I remember I intentionally did this to myself. I have to keep remembering that no one else is at fault here but me, since I fucked myself over, I left everyone, I decided to take this hellhole of a path of being a YouTuber that I honestly think would never take off but still work at it because I wasted too much time and energy on this to start another career at anything else. I have like 2k subscribers but I still feel like I'm only at like 20. It is 3 AM and I need to go to work at 9 just please let me sleep already. I might just kill myself.
Today I wake up
I had so many weird dreams this morning. Nothing coherent, but I just kept on trying to wake up but just falling asleep again and again. Twice had I dreamed of waking up for the day, only to actually wake up and then falling back asleep.
I haven't been talking to anyone that much recently, not even my boyfriend. After a few minor arguments, I've concluded that he cannot give me the comfort I need, and that's okay. I can just talk to him more when I'm feeling better I guess. I haven't talked to the other person in a few days since I kinda had an argument with them too. Other than asking for money I really don't see why they would want to talk to me. It's not like they aren't talking to other people, I was told by my boyfriend that some people from this polycule group that we know of are going to their place to try and help them out. That's awesome, seems like they are getting help from other friends after all. For context, this friend has been going through much more than me, living in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, lonely, and possibly going homeless. I've been giving them money for food and sometimes to pay off bills and stuff but I cant do anything to go over there and actually do something with them. Me and my boyfriend introduced them to this polycule friend group thing to at least have more friends to talk to because my boyfriend kinda hates this person but it seemed like it was going well. But this person always tells me they still are lonely and doesn't fit anywhere, so I really don't know what they are thinking. Its not like I can do better. They have never seen me stable since we've only known each other for like 9 months, and I don't fucking play anything because I cant handle a videogame at this point. I don't get it. I have nothing to talk about.
I've been getting used to living life alone, but not by much. I hate going to work every day and closing shifts waste my entire day. Even worse is that my closing shifts are always on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, the days where everyone does things. My coworkers suck, my managers are always so fucking inconsistent, I always think of quitting but I remember how fucking painful it was to even land this job. Me and my roommate live in the same house but I have not seen him at all this week. Were always in our rooms and he always talks in the friend group I used to talk in. They're fine, they've never done anything objectively wrong, but they are the type of friend group to not care about personal things at all, and I just cant keep up with that. They are cool people, but I don't want them to see me for the time being. Other than that, I at least have been making some progress with the video I'm making. I finished editing the rough draft for a part, and now I am revising the script for the next part. Though I think I need the input of another person to read over this specific part, because I know its a little iffy I don't say everything correctly. I don't look forward to reaching out to people, but in order for this video to be perfect, I have to.
I am in desperate need of comfort but no one is around to help right now. The cards that I'm dealt with doesn't include that for now I guess. But people always say going out of your comfort zone makes you stronger or something, so I guess that's good. I feel like I have been out of my comfort zone for a while though, and I really miss something comfortable. I know I am putting everything out on here but I know this platform doesn't have many users and I don't know any internet "mutuals" that use this so I will probably just keep posting these here until someone I know finds this account.
I've been feeling so hopeless
After my last post me and my boyfriend started talking again after a few days of not talking to each other. Everything is technically back to normal I think, but everything feels so off. Occasionally I respond to people via my YouTube Discord account but I still dont talk to anyone really. I need to keep telling myself that being isolated is better, because it never feels good talking to anyone anymore, but naturally I just feel painfully lonely every day. I keep dreaming about pissing off my boyfriend which really stresses me out, and I've been thinking more outlandish things like how I got groomed in 2023. I never did anything to stop it I just let it happen. The excuse for them was always because of "autism", and I guess they couldn't pick up on when they were being weird to me, but I told them multiple times and they were still doing the same thing to me and other people including minors. I remember telling one of them to not trust them because they were starting to talk to them too, only to find out that they had more trust in them than they did with me. Were they ever groomed? I have no idea. I have to assume so. But that alone fucks me up so much and I keep questioning if I could even call this grooming. Did I even get groomed or an I just over exaggerating everything? Would this be considered trauma? I just gave up on myself back then, that's all. Nothing feels right. I don't know what I miss anymore. It's so hard working on videos. Few days ago I started cutting myself like it was nothing just because I felt like it. Not like I cut myself deep anyway I know the scars would heal right back up like nothing even happened. I don't think I should be allowed on the road because I keep thinking about getting into a car crash and dying.