My mental health is getting worse; I can't sleep
I have been busy the last couple weeks but I am still alive unfortunately. An online friend came over last weekend and while I couldn't do much because of work, I still had fun. Once he left though it was like it never happened. I was back to my shitty fucking life. That's how it feels with anything good that happens honestly. Every time it's over it feels like a divine punishment like I was never supposed to actually have fun. Things always bounce back, sometimes in a violently brutal way, to the point where the good things just shouldn't have had to happen at all.
A few days ago out of impulse I asked the okegom community for help on the outro for my new video I was making about okegom. I was thinking maybe a few people would be interested but expected the whole thing to just be left in the dust. But to my surprise like 30 people were suddenly in my messages. Mind you, I have not talked to most of my online friends in a month straight, so I was instantly overwhelmed. I kinda had to sleep it off for me to feel any better. That leads to today.
Today I woke up early and stressed. I knew I had to interact with like 30 people about this collaboration thingy, so I had to talk my way through everyone and set up everything. It was fine at first but it was really overwhelming. I went way past my comfort zone on this and I cant just quit now so I am just pushing through, extremely stressed. I ate food, and then took a nap until I had to go to work. I really didn't want to go to work, but I did. There weren't really any problems with work today, it was just my thoughts. I worked and worked, but time was moving so unbelievably slow. The stress lead me to think about how fucked I was in every single aspect. I miss being able to fall back on anyone about my problems, but I left those people a month ago. I cant turn to anyone, not my roomate, not my friends, not my fanbase, almost anyone. The only person I could turn to is my boyfriend, which he seemed kinda disgusted that something was wrong with me yet again. I felt like I was a bother to everyone. I am severely socially depraved, but the thought of actually connecting with someone made me want to puke. Multiple times throughout my shift I thought about puking, and even to the point where I was thinking about just killing myself. I came home and luckily my boyfriend was there to help me temporarily forget about everything, but now it is midnight and he fell asleep. I can't sleep.
I feel like a waste of senses to everyone. Every time I say anything to anyone I feel like they are just annoyed. I think of every negative scenario every time I think of sending a message to anyone. Yet I am the one that put myself here. I am the one telling people that I am insane and that I shouldn't be interacted with. My mind is violently spiraling out of control. I genuinely feel like those people you see online that has no friends but you interact with them for like 10 minutes and instantly understand why they have no friends. when I think of anything I think about how someone will invalidate me on it. I don't think I ever felt so out of touch socially in my entire life. At this point its hard thinking about ever showing my stupid ass to the friends I left ever again. I am not getting better, and I don't think anyone has the power to make me feel otherwise. It's useless to say anything to anyone. I genuinely think about dying. I cant handle this stress anymore. I want to feel validated to someone but I know there's no way in hell that I deserve any ounce of it.