Today I wake up
I had so many weird dreams this morning. Nothing coherent, but I just kept on trying to wake up but just falling asleep again and again. Twice had I dreamed of waking up for the day, only to actually wake up and then falling back asleep.
I haven't been talking to anyone that much recently, not even my boyfriend. After a few minor arguments, I've concluded that he cannot give me the comfort I need, and that's okay. I can just talk to him more when I'm feeling better I guess. I haven't talked to the other person in a few days since I kinda had an argument with them too. Other than asking for money I really don't see why they would want to talk to me. It's not like they aren't talking to other people, I was told by my boyfriend that some people from this polycule group that we know of are going to their place to try and help them out. That's awesome, seems like they are getting help from other friends after all. For context, this friend has been going through much more than me, living in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, lonely, and possibly going homeless. I've been giving them money for food and sometimes to pay off bills and stuff but I cant do anything to go over there and actually do something with them. Me and my boyfriend introduced them to this polycule friend group thing to at least have more friends to talk to because my boyfriend kinda hates this person but it seemed like it was going well. But this person always tells me they still are lonely and doesn't fit anywhere, so I really don't know what they are thinking. Its not like I can do better. They have never seen me stable since we've only known each other for like 9 months, and I don't fucking play anything because I cant handle a videogame at this point. I don't get it. I have nothing to talk about.
I've been getting used to living life alone, but not by much. I hate going to work every day and closing shifts waste my entire day. Even worse is that my closing shifts are always on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, the days where everyone does things. My coworkers suck, my managers are always so fucking inconsistent, I always think of quitting but I remember how fucking painful it was to even land this job. Me and my roommate live in the same house but I have not seen him at all this week. Were always in our rooms and he always talks in the friend group I used to talk in. They're fine, they've never done anything objectively wrong, but they are the type of friend group to not care about personal things at all, and I just cant keep up with that. They are cool people, but I don't want them to see me for the time being. Other than that, I at least have been making some progress with the video I'm making. I finished editing the rough draft for a part, and now I am revising the script for the next part. Though I think I need the input of another person to read over this specific part, because I know its a little iffy I don't say everything correctly. I don't look forward to reaching out to people, but in order for this video to be perfect, I have to.
I am in desperate need of comfort but no one is around to help right now. The cards that I'm dealt with doesn't include that for now I guess. But people always say going out of your comfort zone makes you stronger or something, so I guess that's good. I feel like I have been out of my comfort zone for a while though, and I really miss something comfortable. I know I am putting everything out on here but I know this platform doesn't have many users and I don't know any internet "mutuals" that use this so I will probably just keep posting these here until someone I know finds this account.
I've been feeling so hopeless
After my last post me and my boyfriend started talking again after a few days of not talking to each other. Everything is technically back to normal I think, but everything feels so off. Occasionally I respond to people via my YouTube Discord account but I still dont talk to anyone really. I need to keep telling myself that being isolated is better, because it never feels good talking to anyone anymore, but naturally I just feel painfully lonely every day. I keep dreaming about pissing off my boyfriend which really stresses me out, and I've been thinking more outlandish things like how I got groomed in 2023. I never did anything to stop it I just let it happen. The excuse for them was always because of "autism", and I guess they couldn't pick up on when they were being weird to me, but I told them multiple times and they were still doing the same thing to me and other people including minors. I remember telling one of them to not trust them because they were starting to talk to them too, only to find out that they had more trust in them than they did with me. Were they ever groomed? I have no idea. I have to assume so. But that alone fucks me up so much and I keep questioning if I could even call this grooming. Did I even get groomed or an I just over exaggerating everything? Would this be considered trauma? I just gave up on myself back then, that's all. Nothing feels right. I don't know what I miss anymore. It's so hard working on videos. Few days ago I started cutting myself like it was nothing just because I felt like it. Not like I cut myself deep anyway I know the scars would heal right back up like nothing even happened. I don't think I should be allowed on the road because I keep thinking about getting into a car crash and dying.
Why does it always feel like I'm being spied on?
I know it's not a crazy thought to think about, I have actually been spied on by multiple groups over the years. But it just feels like everyone, even people I barely interacted with, know exactly how I am. It's hard to describe, but every time someone messages me it always felt forced. Like they need me for something, or they just tell me something to get something out, but nothing more. I try to interact with them more but they always try to avoid me, or ignore me. Have I socially regressed this badly? Or are they being told how I am by an outside source? Are these people even real? Am I a lolcow and these random people are just playing an act? Surely this is all a delusion of mine and I am just horrible at interacting with people. Way to blame everyone else except myself. I did this. They probably just watched my stupid YouTube videos and saw how insane I am. They know I will just become parasocial to them if they give me any extra attention. They know how emotionally sensitive I am, they know that I will start talking about my problems and will threaten to kill myself, they know how unknowingly manipulative I am. I guess the best solution is to just leave me alone and not deal with my shit. I deliberately set myself up to be avoided and now I'm questioning how and why and who is fucking me over. It was meeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe I should write out some of my thoughts down here in the future. I'm not really in a writing mood right now but I found that you could do this here so maybe I can put some stuff here since Twitter doesn't allow long text.
I am isolated. I don't just feel isolated like the previous few years because I have physically isolated myself by abandoning my way of contact for most people. I am now only in contact with 2 people at the moment. The rest can find contact with me on my YouTube Discord account (separate from my personal Discord account), which I only check a few times a day since I limit myself to the browser on that account. My personal account, the one on the desktop app and my phone, only currently have 2 people added. My boyfriend, and a friend who I promised not to cut contact. I feel disgusting talking to anyone else. I feel disgusting talking to the 2 people I have added. I feel disgusting talking to people I have to talk to in my daily life. Reaching out for help on my videos makes me feel disgusting. I know I am a chore to talk to. I have pissed all of my friends off. I never want to see them again. Living alone is something I concluded that I must do. But I know that isn't humanly possible, I need someone to talk to or else I will feel alone. I do feel alone. I couldn't do much today because of it. I worked on my video a little bit, but I just ended up sleeping for most of the day because I felt too hopeless to even get up. Maybe I just gotta give it time. I want to stay this way, I am seriously tired of hurting people. Maybe for once, I will finally become productive with my YouTube. I want to die in a violent car crash.