i want to stop hating myself. i know self hatred does not make things better. i love the people who make my days better. i love looking at art here and even more those very lovely motivational art. yet i still struggle with hating myself and guilt for things way beyond my control. i wish i was as nice to myself like how im very nice to others.

i think my main issue is that i feel fed up with a lot of things and it fuels me with hate and a sort of want for vengeance. i also just want to scream and just hide. however, deep down, i dislike these feelings, especially since they led me to do some pretty unwise and cruel stuff in the past, so i usually repress them in a way to avoid these actions. its also why i almost never draw about anger unless its in like this very miserable and emo package.

this is the only one that i think shows my more angry side -->https://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/bl00dy-seraphim617/test-monkey (blood, lobotomy, self harm, nudity)

i just wish i didnt repress myself so much.

i also have been struggling with hopeful and some old web/pride stuff, since it reminds me of the fantasies i wish i could have. they just feel so happy and sweet, which i dont feel a lot unless i look at super cute or funny things. (very short even then)

https://sheezy.art/talawolf/gallery/kintsugi
this art basically represents how i feel.

ive also been very paranoid and overly speedy and fast, and its mostly out of fear of losing opportunities, and such. i've been paranoid that sheezy and newgrounds and toyhouse and neocities will be shut down and i'll never achieve my old web dreams. i could turn this into a depressing and conspiratorial mess, but i wont.

ik ive been annoying with this, but i've been mostly shying away with vent posts unless needed.

i just wish i could believe myself and accept things, and actually productively let my anger and pain out.